I’m Feeling Good

Year-End Review: 2011

2012-01-11T21:25:00.000-06:00

Here's what I did in 2011, mostly in chronological order, as it comes to my mind.

Celebrated New Year's Eve at a friend of a friend's house
Said goodbye to my clients and co-workers and quit my first real live adult job
Packed up my room and moved it to storage, with my dad and brother's help
Took the GRE, applied and was accepted to Columbia and University of Tennessee, decided to go to Columbia
Made a last-minute decision to not go to Monterrey
Interviewed with a church planting team in Puerto Rico, and decided to go there
Spent snow days with dear friends - what a gift
Cleaned and said goodbye to Dream House
Ate Chick-fil-a with Emily & Erin & Katy and cried as I said goodbye
Interned through Mission to the World (MTW) at La Travesia Church in San Juan
Went hiking in the rain forest and cliff jumping like 10 times
Was loved by my host family - Ronnie & Amanda & M & A & M & R & Peggy
Made dear, life-long friends in Puerto Rico
Co-wrote a screenplay, Sex and the Traveling YaYa's, coming to a theater near you in 2015
Experienced sadness and depression and homesickness and sin and the opposite of thanksgiving
Was comforted by my suffering Savior, and repeated Psalm 103 over and over
Talked with an MTW counselor and got on antidepressants, which helped lots, lots
Created a bilingual Sunday school curriculum, based on The Jesus Storybook Bible
Read all seven Harry Potter books
Read the three Hunger Games books
Read hundreds of pages for school
Read from the Bible and some church-y books
And that's all the reading I did in 2011
Salsa danced, reached another level of crazy with my dancing skillz
Attempted to surf
Went to the beach and snorkeled and paddle boarded
Became aunt to Christina & Justin's triplets
Discovered mofongo and then TRIFONGO
Received and wrote letters to a good friend, who was a great support, and then stopped writing cos I didn't want a relationship with him
Traveled home for Katy's beautiful wedding
Traveled to Tennessee for my cousin Hannah's beautiful wedding
Had visitors! My dad and brother and sister and Emily and Sarah and Justin and Craig
Kayaked in a bioluminescent bay
Lived with Taylor in the Fitzy apartment
Ate lots of bacon and chocolate chip french toast
Helped plan a women's retreat
Learned a ton about myself and God and others through being on the mission field
Traveled to Georgia for MTW debrief - super helpful
Moved to NYC and crashed at Alejandra's place for 2 weeks
(I moved my huge yellow suitcase 9 times last year.)
Took two summer classes and five fall classes and made all A's
Learned a ton and felt so excited to be a social worker
Wrote 160+ pages for school
Interned at a high school in the Bronx and met with about 10 students for weekly counseling
Loved school social work; it's hard, but fulfilling
Sublet a place from Samantha in Washington Heights for 6 weeks
Apartment hunted with Al and then "broke up" cos we couldn't find a place in time
Moved to Harlem, where I live with 2 roommates I found through Redeemer Church's classifieds
Signed up for online dating, but didn't do anything cos I felt too busy
Bought a bed and armoire
Saw Sufjan Stevens and Broken Social Scene (LOVE)
Saw Beyond This Place, and Sufjan played the score live
Embarked on a mission to watch every Ryan Gosling film (saw Crazy Stupid Love, Half Nelson, and Blue Valentine, plus too many RG YouTube videos)
Embarked on a mission to find the best chocolate milkshake in New York; so far the winner is Brooklyn Ice Cream Factory under the Brooklyn Bridge
Saw Catch Me If You Can and Bonnie and Clyde on Broadway
Walked around a lot
Lost 10 pounds, from the walking
Ran and did situps and pushups while I was in Puerto Rico
Did yoga some in NYC
Visited some great churches and joined Emmanuel Presbyterian Church on December 4
Joined a home fellowship group
Memorized scripture with my dear friend Emily (Colossians 3:1-17 & Ephesians 3:14-4:6)
Watched an embarrassing amount of TV; favorites were Parks & Rec and Revenge and Project Runway with Lindsay
Ate great food; favorites are Syvia's (soul food) and Kitchenette (diner) and Levain Bakery and Grimaldi's pizza
Did some fun things in NYC, like: the Brooklyn flea and food flea, the Alexander McQueen exhibit at the Met, Central Park, Ferris Bueller's Day Off and Vertigo in theaters, found a great/cheap thrift store, Dirty Harry in Bryant Park, went to the Hamptons (technically not in NYC), a Yankees game, the Bronx Zoo, attended a city-wide worship service, the Brooklyn Museum, attended a vampire ball, walked the Brooklyn Bridge, visited Sleepy Hollow, went to a Columbia-Harvard football game, walked the High Line
Had a great weekend with my dad in the city
Visited Dallas for Labor Day and North Carolina for Taylor and Tennessee for Thanksgiving
Connected with old and new friends in NYC
Played lots of spades with my family
Hosted Sara and Emily, loved every minute of my week with Justin & Emily
Ate at Sylvia's with new & old friends for my 26th birthday
Spent Christmas in Tulsa with Mama and Colin and Kelsey, ate Chick-fil-a, loved my one-on-one time with Kels, was super goofy
Traveled to Dallas for my winter break, saw dear friends and the Triplets, read, got a haircut, totally relaxed
New Year's Eve party at Benj & Jamie's with dancing

2011 was a great year, and I'm very thankful for everything.

I don't have any specific resolutions for 2012. Just general things I always want to do. Be healthy. Learn a ton and be a good student. Be a good friend, daughter, sister. Read the Bible consistently.

I'll graduate May 16 this year, and the Lord knows what I'll do after that. I pray that 2012 is a year I learn more about the depth and length and height and depth of Christ's love.

Birthday Thanksgiving

2011-12-04T18:24:00.001-06:00

Yesterday I turned 26. As my birthday approached, I thought back on 25 and had a lot to be thankful for. Like

My roommates and prayer group throwing me an awesome 25th birthday party and
Chick-fil-a chicken nugget trays and
Spending Christmas with both Mom and Dad and
Wrapping up my time at Dallas County Probation in such a positive way and
Snow days with dear friends and
God's sovereignty in sending me to Puerto Rico and
Real community in Puerto Rico and
Oliver & Zoey & Quinn and
Acceptance into Columbia and
Suffering/depression and learning more about Jesus' love for me and
Beaches and rainforest and cliff jumpin' and
Beautiful weddings (Katy & Hannah) and
Letters and emails and phone calls and prayers and
Learning about discipleship and
Relief from depression and
Mofongo and
An incredibly smooth transition to NYC and
All that I'm learning in my classes and
All that I'm learning at my internship and
Each of the students I'm working with and
A place to live and
Scholarships & loans and
Friends in New York and
Emmanuel Church and
My family's health.

God, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Have your way in my life in my 26th year.

PR to NYC

2011-07-29T12:47:00.001-06:00

Baby blog entry. On Monday I left Puerto Rico. I left full and thankful. Sad to say goodbye to friends, but excited for what's next. I spent three days in Georgia at Mission to the World (MTW) debrief. This was a really helpful time of processing, rest, and eating Chick-fil-a. Yesterday morning I sang praises to God with the other MTW interns, and I was overcome by how good God is. He sovereign-ly sent me to Puerto Rico, was near me and taught me and changed me, and now he's providing everything I need to start life in NYC.

Yesterday late afternoon I stepped off the plane to my new home and gave a prayer of thanksgiving. Last night I had delish Chinese food and cupcakes with Alejandra. Today I explored Harlem and ate soul food, and this afternoon I'm meeting up with Lindsay at the Met.

I'm really happy (:

There's a fungus among us.

2011-07-13T09:40:00.000-06:00

I've been itching to tell the Internet community that I contracted ringworm sometime ago. Don't worry; I've been using a fungal creme, and it's clearing up quite nicely.

Una mezcla

2011-07-11T14:43:00.000-06:00

A mixture. I've been here before. One part gratitude for all of Puerto Rico and the people and God. One part sadness about leaving, especially the people. One part excitement about what comes next. One part fear about leaving - and about what comes next. One part uncertainty about how to say goodbye, about how to tell the people what they mean to me. And you throw it all together and mix it in my heart. That's what I'm feeling these days. The tears are usually close to their ducts. They're not sad tears, though. Es una mezcla.

It was a great weekend.

2011-05-13T22:20:00.002-06:00

This time last week I was in Dallas, and I had a great time.
I ate Chick-fil-a.
I spent the night with Emily & Erin & Sarah. At different points in the weekend I lay in each of their beds, and I felt at home. I'm not sure at what point I started calling their house "home." I think it was within hours of being there.
I spent time with the Boy Who Writes Me Letters.
I had lunch with some dear co-workers.
I held Christina's triplets - O & Z & Q. And they were perfect, and I was in love.
I partook in wedding rehearsal and wedding festivities. I was honored to be in the house party for Katy and Bryce. I'm honored to have been living with Katy when she met Bryce. Indeed, they are beautiful people who love God and who are in love, and their wedding was beautiful.
After weddings sometimes you think there's plenty of time to look the bride in the eyes and tell her you think she's lovely and that her wedding was lovely, but then the next thing you know you're shooting confetti as bride and groom run hand in hand through paper fireworks, and you didn't get to look her in the eye. (Katy, you are lovely.)
I heard and saw and smelt and felt great live music.
I had breakfast with my dear friend Kelly.
I went to New St. Peter's Church.
And somewhere along the way I realized that I would have to say goodbye to everyone again, and that made me sad.
I saw my mom and brother and sister and had a Mother's Day lunch. And I loved them and was really proud of my sister, in particular.
And I had more Chick-fil-a.

And it was a great weekend.

Photo of Dallas skyline, 1958. Photo by Nick Dewolf.

Geography

2011-05-03T22:35:00.001-06:00

My feet are in Puerto Rico. My heart is somewhere between Dallas and Puerto Rico. And I'm not sure where my head is. Oof, this is going to be a good great tricky confusing whirlwind of a weekend.

Glad to be going home for my dear friend Katy's wedding and for Mother's Day.

I want to dance.

Grad School Update

2011-04-27T08:54:00.001-06:00

I decided to go to Columbia.
It's a ten-month program, starting August 1.
I will study social work.
Method area: advanced clinical practice (working with individuals and groups and families).
My field of practice will be school-based social work and school-linked services.
I will pay back loans for a while.
I will miss friends and family.
But it will be great.

Autumn in New York. Photo found here.

Puerto Rico: The Paradox

2011-04-20T10:52:00.002-06:00

As part of my internship, I was responsible for creating a support folder for a family who is raising financial support to live and serve in Puerto Rico. I wanted to created a document that described the place, the people, the need for a church plant, our church, etc. Here is one page, which I think gives a good snapshot of Puerto Rico. Well, as good as you can capture in 175 words, which maybe isn't that good. Below the page, I've copied the text for easier reading. I hope this offers a window into life in Puerto Rico.

Puerto Rico is full of contradictions. It is a commonwealth of the U.S., but it is its own nation. In many ways it looks like the U.S., but it doesn’t take long to realize that things are different and more complicated (at lease for foreigners). It is considered a high income country, but the wealth isn’t distributed evenly, and many are unemployed. It is a culture that values family, yet, sadly, the family is a platform for some of the most grievous abuse and alienation. Fatherlessness is an epidemic. The culture is complicated and contradictory, which is true to form with the nature of man (that is, at the same time made in God’s image and fallen). We are physically alive, but dead in our trespasses. This is a culture, like cultures all over the world, that needs to hear the truthful paradox of the Gospel: we are more wicked and sinful than we ever dreamed, and at the same time, we are more loved and accepted in Christ than we ever dared to hope.

Diarrhea Wimpy Kid!

2011-04-13T19:51:00.001-06:00

Tonight I was in the van with Nanny Peggy and the four kids. It seemed like a good idea for me to reach my hand back to Micah's and say, "See how hard you can squeeze my hand." I think my dad played some variation of this "game" with Colin & Tristen & I when we were younger.

Micah proceeded to pull my pinkie away from my other fingers, and this actually hurts quite a bit. (Go ahead; try it at home.) I cried out, "Ooh, oh, Micah! That hurts." To which he responded, "You're so wimpy, Cara!"

I was in rare form tonight (like one of those it's 2:00 in the morning and I'm becoming delirious moments, but really it's 6:45 pm and I'm in the van with four kids, and I need to keep it together...), so I started raising the roof (go ahead; try that at home too) and singing something like, "Oh yeah! I'm so weak. I'm such a wuss. La la la..."

And then Micah started chanting, "Diary of a wimpy kid! Diary of a wimpy kid!" But it sounded just like he was saying, "Diarrhea wimpy kid!" which is so much funnier. The girls joined in the chorus. One singing, "Cara is booty! Cara is booty!" Another singing, "Cara coqui poopy! Cara coqui poopy!"

I let their little chants wash over me, and I thought to myself, "I've got to watch the potty language."

On Grad School

2011-04-10T09:58:00.001-06:00

Decisions are hard for me, and where to go to grad school for social work seems to be one of the harder decisions I've had to make. The thing is: I have three really good options, so choosing one really good option means saying goodbye to two other really good options.

I thank God I was recently accepted to Columbia University in NYC and University of Tennessee in Knoxville. I haven't been accepted to UT Arlington, but they automatically accept you if turn in all parts of the application and meet all requirements (which I do).

As of April 2011, Dallas Texas feels like home to me. I feel pulled back there and want to put roots down and want to do social work and mission work there. I know this could change, but this is what I feel right now. So, do I go straight back and restart life there and go to UTA? Or do I postpone life in Dallas for another year and go to school out of state?

So many factors: cost, quality of education, proximity to friends and family, fear, pride, and on and on.

Dear Lord, help me sift through these layers, and give me wisdom in this decision.

P.S. I think I've ruled out University of Tennessee. And I start to miss what was never mine - golden leaves and rocky tops and big football games and boys in flannel.

The L Word

2011-04-05T21:13:00.001-06:00

This is a story about my first visit to the emergency room in Puerto Rico. And about the L word.

I'm living with four kids. Sometimes as I look at them and play with them and say goodbye to them and especially when I kiss them goodnight and shut their bedroom door, I feel love for them in my heart, and I tell them, "I love you."

Most of the time this isn't met with a response, and I'm okay with that. I just want them to know they are loved.

Last Friday little Ali tripped and hit her head on the corner of a wall. This resulted in her being taken to the ER a few hours later, around 11:30 pm. Mom Amanda was going to take her, and I wanted to go too because I love the family and Mom Amanda and little Ali.

All in all, it was a good trip to the ER. No traffic at that time of night, not too long of a wait, only three stitches, and little Ali was a champ.

On the way home I was sitting next to Ali, holding her hand, and she looked up at me and said, "I love you, Cara." My heart swelled, and I said, "I love you too."

April Fools' Day 2011

2011-04-04T21:50:00.001-06:00

One of my job responsibilities is to make PowerPoint slide shows for new music at church. One of the first days of my job I made one, and my boss had a few constructive criticisms. He's really into PowerPoint, and he's pretty opinionated, and these are good qualities to have a a pastor because - let's face it - there are some terrible church slide shows floating around in the universe.

So, I filed his criticisms away, and I started planning for April Fools' Day. I present you with my prank:

Email subject line: Possible song for Good Friday service

Body of email: Boss, attached is a song I found that I think would be really appropriate for the Good Friday service. I created a PowerPoint that I think will set the mood. Let me know what you think.

Attachment:

Yikes, I hope this isn't offensive to anyone, but I guess that's kind of the point. Well, happy April.

On Identity; On Weakness

2011-03-14T19:01:00.001-06:00

Hello blog readers,

I recently drafted an email update for my supporters, and then I edited some of the paragraphs down. Here are those paragraphs, unedited:

My goodness, for those of you who are praying for my daily, on-going sanctification, God has heard your prayers! Ah, sanctification is good, but it's hard, and it won't be complete this side of Heaven. Since arriving in Puerto Rico, I've felt stripped of my identity. Mind you, before leaving I thought my identity was rooted in Christ, but it turns out I found my identity in lots of other things. When those things are taken away, the only identity I have is as daughter and heiress to the Most High King. Not a bad identity, but I still look for it elsewhere.

Cognitively I've known for a while now that God chooses and uses and loves "weak" people and blah, blah, blah. And maybe I've said that I was weak, but didn't really mean it. Or maybe I've pridefully said, "I'm special and strong, and God can use me." Well, I feel weak and humbled and like I don't have much to offer, and - praise God! - my God loves me, and, by his grace, he might use me here.

That's it. Not too much more than my email. Basically, I'm a mess, but I'm loved by my Father. What a sweet and important lesson to be reminded of in this very different context.

Truthful Paradoxes

2011-02-23T22:01:00.000-06:00

I feel good in this moment, but I didn't earlier today, and here are some things I jotted down in my little black journal.

I can recognize that Puerto Rico is good and mourn the loss of Dallas.
I can know that sanctification is good, but it can hurt.
I can be sad and know that God is so, so close to me.

Our Savior suffered, and the veil between heaven and earth is at it thinnest in our suffering.
-My pastor/boss

Week Juan in San One

2011-02-21T19:49:00.000-06:00

Been here for a week now. Here are a few highlights. Oh - first, a rundown of my living situation. I'm living with the pastor, his wife, their four kids, and their nanny. Pastor and Wife are great. Young and fun, and I have a lot to learn from them. Nanny is great. Young and fun, and I have a lot to learn from her. Four kids are great. Six-year-old boy, twin four-year-old girls, and a three-year-old girl. Sweet and cuddly, young and fun, and I have a lot to learn from them. Okay, the highlights.

Valentine's dinner on February 15. Nanny had 20-something young people over. Delicious food and dancing. My head said, "This is good. God is doing something good here. The next time I see these people, I'll feel closer. And if we do this again in a few weeks, I won't feel so self-conscious dancing. And if we do this again in a few months, these people may really be my friends." But my heart said, "It's hard being the new girl, and I miss being known."
Helping put the kids down to bed. Parents get them ready, and we all sit in the kids' room. Parents pray and give a devotional, and we sing hymns. Hearing the children sing is enough to bring tears to my eyes. Tonight one Twin asked, "Can He hear us when we sing?" Pastor gave a beautiful response. Son replied, "I've been chewing on my arm." So... it's not a robot family. I think it's going to be really beautiful for me to see a working marriage and be around kiddos.
Charco Frio - rain forest and cliff jumping. Last Thursday I drove into the rain forest with two men from church and some guys visiting the area. Hiked and swam to a jumping spot that only the locals know about. Jumped a couple times and went down this natural rock/waterfall/slide thing. Just as totally amazing as it sounds. It felt like summers in Tennessee, and I then I would look up and remember I was in the rain forest.
First day at work today. Really great first day. Really excited about the work I'm going to be doing.

There's so much more, but I think I'll stop there. I've got my room almost set up; I'll post photos soon.

Ode to Dallas, TX

2011-02-13T23:34:00.003-06:00

Well, not really an ode. I'm not feeling especially lyrical tonight.

Sometimes I get ready to leave a place, and I start to feel all sentimental. You don't know what you have until it's almost gone, you know?

Dallas has been different, though. I'm about to leave, and I've known how blessed I've been for a while; I'm not surprised by my sentiments. I've been trying to say goodbye, and what I want to say can sound so cheesy in my head. Or there's too much in my head and heart, and I can't fit it all into syllables and words. Anyway, here are some things I've loved about Dallas.

My church, New St. Peter's
My roommates, past and present
Local music
My job with Dallas County probation
My friendships. I have dear and true friends whom I love and who love me. Women who speak the Gospel to me over and over. Friends who have laughed with me and cried with me and encouraged me and prayed for me.
The traffic
Just kidding about #6.

It's the people, the people, the people who make this place so special. I could probably reach for cultural and geographical things that make Dallas unique, but when I think of what I love, it's people's faces that flash across my mind.

Goodnight, Dallas. I love you.

P.S. I have the "Star-Spangled Banner" stuck in my head.

Cool Little Anectode, Or "How I'm Going to Puerto Rico"

2011-02-11T09:38:00.001-06:00

Monday morning my Mission to the World (MTW) coach was talking to other staff members about my situation - about how at the last minute I did not go to Monterrey. The staff members prayed for others and me, and after praying a woman on staff approached my coach. The details are a little blurry here, but I think this woman's father is a theology professor who has spent some time in Puerto Rico, and she encouraged my coach to contact a team in Puerto Rico.

My coach called and left a message with the pastor in Puerto Rico and as an afterthought sent an email too. The Puerto Rico team was heading into a staff meeting Monday afternoon, and the pastor's wife looked at the email, printed it, and said, "Hey, I think you should take a look at this."

At the staff meeting the team decided that they need an intern to help with the church's children's ministry, and this is where I come in. The pastor contacted my coach, and since Monday I've been getting to know the team in Puerto Rico and vice versa, and we've been praying for wisdom in this decision.

On Wednesday I was offered an invitation to join the team, and yesterday my coach bought my plane ticket.

Some Other Stuff to Know

I'll be living with the pastor, his wife, their kids, and their nanny just outside of San Juan.

The team has planted the first Presbyterian (PCA) church in Puerto Rico. It started 8 months ago in a living room, and it has grown to about 40 people, meeting in a community center. Here's the website: http://latravesia.org/.

The team uses words like "fun" and "filled-up" and "we don't take ourselves too seriously" and "grassroots" and "organic" and "dude." And I like these words.

The pastor told me he wants me to be filled up, not empty and exhausted, at the end of my internship, and he wants me to have fun and to know more about the rich love my my savior Christ at the end of the internship. And I like these words too.

..........................................

Okay, so I'm 25, but I'm still learning about myself. And in the last few days I've come to the conclusion that I take myself a little too seriously. (Someone, feel free to show at least a little surprise.) This thought is unrelated, but I thought I'd share. I'm predicting a little sanctification in this area.

..........................................

Also, thanks to God for such a quick and good answer to prayer.

Paraphrased Excerpts of Conversations Last Week, Or "Why I'm Not Going to Monterrey"

2011-02-06T21:13:00.004-06:00

Thursday, 6:22 pm

Carol (would-be supervisor in Monterrey): "Cara, I want you to know that today the team in Monterrey made the decision not to send any summer interns or short-term missions teams to Monterrey this summer for security reasons. I want you to know in case that changes your mind about coming to Monterrey."

Me: "Well... I still want to come. I've felt peace about coming this whole time, and I'm not fearful about my physical safety."

Carol & me: Make plans to meet at the airport in Monterrey on Monday (tomorrow).

Friday, 12:15 pm

Sam (director of short term missions and mercy ministries with Mission to the World [MTW]): "Cara, I want you know that I'm concerned about you traveling to Monterrey. Just because your flight is on Monday, you don't have to go if you don't want. You can take some more time to think and pray about it."

Me: "I've known about the violence and security all along, and I'm still moving forward. I'm looking to MTW to help me make this decision."

Me: Goes into living room with my roommates and dear friends Emily and Sarah (who are providentially stuck at my house on a snow day). These women pray for me and encourage me to call one of our pastors.

Friday, 12:47 pm

Pastor Colin: "Cara, if I were one of your parents, I would tell you to listen to the concerns of MTW and start thinking about other options."

Me: Prays to God. "Dear Lord, through this whole process many people and I have been praying for wisdom, protection, provision, open doors, closed doors, etc. Give me wisdom. You are sovereign. You are in control. You are good."

Friday, 1:13 pm

Sam: "I've talked to the leader in Monterrey, and he told me he wasn't primarily concerned with your physical safety. He said they could keep you safe: you could work in the MTW office and spend time at the leader's house. However, he's concerned that you wouldn't have a good ministry experience if so much effort was put into keeping you safe, rather than building relationships."

Me: "Well, I don't know how to feel any more. I don't know if I feel peace. I'm still looking to MTW for guidance..."

Sam: Interrupts me. "Okay, this is my recommendation: do not go to Monterrey. Let MTW take care of the cost of your plane ticket, and we'll send you somewhere safer."

Me: "Okay"

Friday, 1:30 pm & 1:37 pm (respectively)

Dad & Mama: "Good. I love you."

.......................................................

Are you able to follow these exchanges? I hope so. I wanted to try to flesh out how the decision not to go to Monterrey was made in less than 24 hours. Really in less than an hour. Tonight I'm at home while friends and roommates are watching the Super Bowl. And I'm sad. I was planning on getting on a plane tomorrow morning and flying to Monterrey. I feel sad, but I know some things with every inch of my being: God is good, God is sovereign, God is protecting me and will provide a fruitful ministry experience somewhere else, God loves me. These things and more I know about my God.

I will keep you posted with when and where I will go. Please pray for wisdom for the team at MTW as they find another internship opportunity for me. Thank you.

Some Pre-Departure Lists

2011-02-03T15:26:00.002-06:00

Feelings
Sadness
Stress
Peace
Overwhelming gratitude

CDs I'm packing (in no particular order and for no particular reasons)
The Church: Called and Collected, various Christian hip-hop artists
Not sure which Antlers' album (from Heather)
Doolittle, The Pixies
The Lonesome, Crowded West, Modest Mouse
The Historical Conquests of Josh Ritter, Josh Ritter
Grace, Jeff Buckley
Wake Up, O Sleeper, Cool Hand Luke
The Shawl, Doug Burr
Needle/Eye, Sunday Drive
Devil's Nest, Lalagray
Mix CD from Grace Community Church
Cross, Justice
The Notwist, Neon Golden
Rebel, Lecrae

DVDs
Modern Family, season 1
The Office, season 3

Books
The Art of Crossing Cultures, Graig Stroti
Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, Peter Scazzero
The Artist's Way, Julia Cameron
Counterfeit Gods, Timothy Keller
The Problem of Pain, C.S. Lewis
Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy
Younger Next Year, Crowley & Lodge
A Good Man is Hard to Find: And Other Stories, Flannery O'connor
A couple Bibles, English and Spanish
Lots of Spanish/English dictionaries and a couple books about Spanish language

To-Do List
So long you don't even want me to list it. I feel confident that the things that need to get done will get done.

To-Pray List
Daily, ongoing sanctification
Safety and protection
A smooth transition to Monterrey. I pray that I am able to have meaningful goodbyes here in Dallas and quickly bond with my brothers and sisters in Monterrey.
God's powerful and beautiful work in Monterrey and throughout the world

Thinking & the First Goodbyes

2011-01-26T11:05:00.001-06:00

Just said goodbye to my dad. Looking at my room, with just a mattress and two suitcases. If I think about it too much, I'll cry. So, instead, I turn my attention to the GRE, which I'm taking tomorrow. I'm going to punch it (the GRE) in the face. I think this expression means something like "I'm going to do awesome on it! Yeah!"

I'm thankful to be so sad to leave this place. It means I am loved, and I love.

An Inventory: 2010

2011-01-03T00:17:00.001-06:00

Before I get into this list, I think I should say that 2010 might have been one of the best years of my life. Maybe "most content" is a better way to put it. Here are some things I want to remember about the year, in no particular order.

I celebrated New Year's Eve 2009 with friends at Sara's apartment.
I started working out with a trainer at The Movement, and my roommates and I joined a co-op. I've worked out about twice a week all year, gone for lots of walks, run (very) occasionally, and played some basketball this fall. I lost 10 pounds throughout 2010. I feel really healthy physically and emotionally.
I helped out with the 3rd-5th grade School of Life and Doctrine class.
I was a party planner for Erin's birthday (LOST and San Antonio-themed), Christina's birthday, Emily's birthday, and Katy's birthday (a night of 26 games).
I applied to be an intern with Mission to the World (MTW). Was accepted and placed with the Monterrey, Mexico team. Raised money and learned about God's protection and provision. Was shown God's love by countless friends and family members.
Saw a counselor. I don't want to always see a counselor, but it's been really good for me.
Was a mentor with Big Brothers Big Sisters. Hung out with Jeanette every few weeks.
Was rear-ended.
Saw lots of great local music like: Fox & the Bird and lalgray and The Beaten Sea and RTB2 and Ryan Thomas Becker and Jacob Metcalf and Dylan Sneed (honorary local) and Doug Burr.
Did my taxes for the first time.
Gave up some stuff for Lent and then gave up Lent. Struggled with works and the idea that I don't have anything to offer.
Continued to work for Dallas County Probation Department. Worked with the Latino group through August and then switched to an English-speaking specialty court group. My new group has been challenging, but I've learned a lot.
Spanish tutoring.
Met with my church home group once a month.
Prayed with a group of women every other week.
Went to the NX35 music conferette in Denton.
Saw the Flaming Lips at my friend Katie's bachelorette party, and attended her beautiful wedding.
Attended Annie's beautiful wedding and Chase's beautiful wedding and Mary's beautiful wedding and Katie & Wes' beautiful wedding
Went on a cruise with my mom.
Saw some great live music like Josh Ritter and Phosphorescent and Sufjan Stevens and Built to Spill.
Watched lots of (too much) TV. Favorite shows include: Mad Men and Veronica Mars and The Walking Dead and Modern Family and The Bachelor(ette) and Project Runway. I watched more than that, but I think those are the highlights.
Went to Florida with some friends for Bridget's birthday.
Went to a lake house in East Texas for a relaxing and inspiring weekend with girlfriends.
Volunteered at the Food Bank a few times with work and church.
Did some light babysitting.
Went to Tennessee for my dad's company picnic. Was told by my dad to stop dancing cos it was embarrassing him.
Spent Thanksgiving in Ethiopia with Emily, visiting the Funderburks. This deserves its own blog entry, which may or may not (probably not) happen.
Had lots of car problems.
My roommates and prayer group threw me an incredible murder mystery 25th birthday party. I got to wear a pretty dress and eat lots of Chick-fil-a chicken nuggets.
Barely began applying for grad school.
Spent Christmas with my family in Tulsa. My dad flew in from Tennessee to be there with us. And I got a real pretty blue suitcase.
Voted.
Volunteered with a ministry called Kids Club on the east side of town.
Didn't read too much. Read from the Bible somewhat consistently. Read The Hours and Counterfeit Gods and discovered David Sedaris on CD at the library. Started The Road (still working on it). Read some other stuff, but nothing too notable.
Didn't see any life-changing movies that I can think of.
Listened to a lot of Sufjan and Sunday Drive (local) and Lecrae (really great Christian hip-hop) and Black Eyed Peas and Broken Social Scene. Always and forever BSS.
Lived in the same house with the same fabulous roommates.
Got the Rangers playoff fever.
Celebrated my roommate's engagement and my dear friend's news of triplets.
Celebrated two years at my job and gave my notice.
Realized I never un-fell for a guy and decided I probably shouldn't hang out with him too much. That was really the only boy drama of 2010. Wasn't kissed. Wasn't asked out. Wasn't hung up on anyone. It was a year where I was really content being single, and I'm so thankful for that.
Dressed as a geisha for Halloween.
Experienced some mild depression at the beginning of spring and fall.
Celebrated NYE at a friend of a friend of a friend's house.

So, yeah, I'm probably forgetting some people and places and things. And this is probably boring for most (all). But I want to remember. I'm looking through my little black journals, and I'm reminded of all my jealousies and insecurities and secret sins. Those things were there too, of course, but I feel like God is at work in my life and sanctifying me.

I can't exactly explain why 2010 was one of my best years. The truth is that my childhood was hard in a lot of ways. And college was marked by depression, which just sucks, you know? My last two years in Dallas have been so nice. I've had great roommates and great friends and a great church and a great job and a great family. These things haven't been perfect by any stretch, but they've been good, and I am thankful.

Next year, Lord willing, I will be in intern with MTW in Monterrey, Mexico from February-July. I will work at an orphanage and with two churches. I hope to start in grad school in the fall. Get my master's in social work from Columbia or University of Tennessee or UTA. I'm scared. I'm very content and comfortable in Dallas, and what if I fail as an intern or as a grad student?

For me, this world isn't about being comfortable and content, though. Let's go, 2011.

Four Faces of Pride

2010-12-22T10:10:00.005-06:00

Throughout the time I've been preparing to be an intern with Mission to the World (MTW) in Monterrey, Mexico I've been reminded of how I struggle with (read: love my sin) pride. Below allow me to count the ways I've experienced pride.

1. "Now that I'm a missionary intern, I'm going to be the perfect Christian." I thought that everything (or at least a lot) would change. I'd read my Bible more and memorize more verses and be a nicer person - you know, the real Christian-y things. I pray that God is at work in my life and sanctifying me. I want to see the fruits of being a believer - spending time in the Word, having God's Word written on my heart, treating others with love. It's a process, though, and I didn't change overnight. I was humbled when I realized that I'm not and never will be the perfect Christian.

2. "It's going to be so easy for me to raise my financial support. I could even just use my money." These things are embarrassing to confess, but I actually had that thought. Early on there was some miscommunication, and I was under the impression that I only had to raise $4000-$6000. Chump change. And double pride. 1) I have so many friends and family; it'll be easy to raise. And 2) I've saved my money so well; I can take care of it on my own. The first budget I received was for $25,000. Talk about humility. 1) Even thinking of all my friends and family and church, I couldn't understand how the money would come together, outside of God's surprising and humbling provision. 2) I don't have that much saved... Eventually I made the decision to go to Monterrey for less time as a volunteer intern, and my budget was reduced to $10,000 and recently to $8700. I continue to be humbled by God's provision.

3. "I'm leaving the country and am going to be a missionary, and won't everyone want to talk to me about this? And aren't I so interesting?" This pride is so ugly. I think at my core I want to be valued and loved and important. These are things that God gives me, but I look for them elsewhere. Anyway, I really struggled with these kinds of thoughts at the beginning of the fall. I thank God because some of my closest friends prayed that God would give me humility in this area, and I think he has answered the prayer.

4. "I have it all together, and I'm not going to show you my fear or anxiety because then you might think I shouldn't go to Mexico." I have these rehearsed responses about what to say when asked about the violence in Monterrey. And these somewhat truthful expressions about how God is good, and he is protecting and providing, and everything is coming together. Okay, those statements actually are true. But I'm afraid to tell you about my fear and anxiety. What if I get depressed in Mexico? And it's going to be hard to leave my life in Dallas. I truly have had two of my happiest years, and it's scary and sad to think about leaving. And I feel overwhelmed. There's a lot on my MTW to-do list and my grad school to-do list and my work to-do list. I spoke to my MTW coach this morning, and I began crying. I thank God because my coach reminded me that I didn't have to have it all together or express to others that I have it all together.

As I was talking with my coach, I realized that I've been operating in yet another form of pride (#4 or "I have it all together!"), and I decided it was finally time to write that blog post about pride and humility. It hasn't been pretty, but God has been teaching me about my pride, and he has been humbling me. I pray that I would continue to be sanctified and humbled as I prepare for Monterrey, once I'm actually there, and once I get back to the US.

Well, thanks for hearing my confession. Turns out I don't have it all together. Turns out I don't have to. Turns out this is a lot less about me than I thought, and that's a good thing.

On God's Will; On God's Wisdom

2010-08-22T12:01:00.003-06:00

In the last 48 hours I have made the decision to be a volunteer intern with MTW instead of a salaried intern. What does this mean?

I will serve in Mexico for less than 6 months (5 months and 20-something days) instead of 7 months. I will raise approximately $10,000 instead of $25,000. I will not receive a salary or benefits, but I will receive a per diem and take care of insurance on my own. I'm sure there are some other differences, but these seem to be the main ones.

How did I reach this decision? Like I reach every other decision, including little ones like whether or not to stop at Starbucks on the way to work. I over-thought it and talked myself in circles and talked myself in circles while friends and family and pastors graciously followed my circles with their ears and hearts and was anxious and fearful and prayed about it and found rest at the Cross and rest in God's truth and lost sleep over it, and you get the point.

So what did I learn? Some things that I've learned before. Some new things. I pray that one day I'll act as if I've already learned these lessons instead of acting like a scared child. I think that my Father loves his scared children, though.

I realized that choosing between the salaried position and volunteer position wasn't a matter of black and white, of right and wrong. Lord willing, I will leave for Mexico in early 2011, and I have two options that will get me there. In this particular decision I couldn't choose outside of God's will. So, I just had to make a decision and walk forward.

I made pro and con lists for both options and found that the salaried position had more pros. But as I sat in my pastor's office on Friday afternoon, and as he asked me to not think and just answer - "What do you want to do?" - I found myself saying, "I want to be a volunteer intern."

I was afraid that choosing the volunteer route was some kind of failure, taking the easy way out. Limiting God and saying, "I don't trust you to raise $25,000." Yes, the provision of $25,000 would have been surprising, and I would have been forced to my knees to say, "You are big, and I am small, and your provision is surprising and humbling, and I give you thanks." But I have a feeling I will be forced to my knees as a volunteer intern. And, Lord, don't let me forget that I need more that just a certain dollar amount.

I need God's provision of supporters, time, energy, encouragement, rest, peace, wisdom, discernment, boldness, humility, courage, and an understanding of God's love. Above all, I need a Savior.

And that has been provided.

Initial Support Letter

2010-08-22T11:41:00.005-06:00

This is the final version of the support letter I started sending out at the beginning of July. I signed my name Klara Bennington on the blog because I don't want this blog to pop up if someone searches for my real name. I had a handful of close friends look at this letter with me and help me tie everything together. And I have a group of women who prays for me weekly. Who pray that the people who receive this letter would be interested in what God is doing in Mexico and in my life. Who pray that God would provide my friends and family with funds to give, with prayers to pray.

So, this is the letter.

June 28, 2010

To the Church, my friends, and family,

Grace to you and peace. With joy and thanksgiving I am writing to tell you about how the Lord is working in my life.

The following are true about me: I have loved doing mission work in Utah and in Shell, Ecuador; I have learned Spanish in school and through studying abroad in Barcelona, Spain; and I work as a substance abuse counselor, where I lead Spanish-speaking groups with mostly Mexican men.

What I now realize is that God gave me these experiences in order to prepare me for the mission field. Next year I will serve as an intern with the mission agency for the Presbyterian Church in America, Mission to the World (MTW), in Monterrey, Mexico.

While in Mexico, I will serve in three capacities. I will serve at an orphanage; I will help two churches with their mercy/street ministries; and I will assist short-term missions teams who come to Monterrey. This internship will underline the vision of MTW in Monterrey: Gospel centrality, focus on the cities, and church planting.

I plan to leave for Mexico next January and return in July 2011. The total cost of this project is approximately $25,000. Honestly, as I type that number, I am humbled. Though I cannot understand how this amount will be raised, I trust God to provide.

Would you be willing to ask God to provide funds for you to give? Would you be willing to support me in prayer? I humbly ask for your financial and prayer support so that God’s name would be magnified in Monterrey. Included is a pledge card. Checks should be made out to MTW and sent to the address on the pledge card. Please mark all donations with my name and account information: #16175.

You can also donate online. Go to www.mtw.org/donations and click on donate now. From there you can search for my name and/or account number, and it will walk you through donating online. If you have any questions, you can call MTW Donations at 678-823-0030, or you can contact me directly. I hope to be in touch with you in the coming weeks to answer any questions you have and ask about your decision regarding prayer and financial support.

Thank you for your time and for considering to be a part of how God furthers his kingdom in Monterrey.

Grace be with you,

Klara Bennington

Genesis 12:1-2 – Now the LORD saidto Abram, “Go from your country and your kindred and your father’s house to the land that I will show you. And I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing.”

The Night Satan Slept on My Face & Other Adventures in Housesitting

2010-08-20T22:52:00.003-06:00

When I was a little girl, our future stepmother moved in with us and brought her two cats: Spaz and Satan. Yes, Satan. That one was difficult to explain to our 80-year-old associate pastor who stopped by to visit. I think I pronounced it "Satin" or "Sah-teen." I digress.

I was a little girl, like I said, and I wanted nothing more than for these cats to like me. Spaz was a lost cause. Like his named suggests, he wouldn't stay still. Wouldn't come near people. But, Satan... Maybe I could get Satan to like me. I wanted so bad for him to like me, to cuddle with me at night. I would lure him into my room and get him into my bed somehow. I wanted to spoon with him and stroke him, but I found that he didn't like this and would usually hop off my bed and scurry down the hall in no time. The most effective way to get him to stay in my bed for long periods of time was to let him lie on my face.

So, this is what I did.

I think - nay, I know - that little girl is still in there somewhere. Wanting furry little things and people to be so close with me and stay near me, even at the expense of my safety, allergies, and comfort.

So that brings me to this past week of housesitting. I think I was a little too optimistic about spending 10 days with 2 cats, a dog, and 10 chickens. The first night the basset hound, Flash, was not into me being in his house and his owners not being there. He growled at me and barked at me and even snapped at me when I put my hand close so he could sniff it. You look at this dog, and he's harmless. A basset hound. Like 90-years-old in dog years. But, I kid you not: I convinced myself that Flash was going to break down the bathroom door and eat me alive in the shower my first night there.

Things got better between Flash and me, but that was not the last time I thought I was going to breath my last at housesitting house. Last Saturday I got "home," and Flash started barking and growling again. But this time it wasn't directed toward me; it was directed to the backyard, which conveniently doesn't have a light. I can't explain it, but I got really spooked. I called my brother, who is the resident basset hound expert, and his response was, "Cara, basset hounds are usually really friendly dogs. If he's growling like that, and you don't feel right, something's probably going on. You need to hang up with me and call 9-1-1." I freaked out.

I managed to make it into the kitchen to grab the biggest, sharpest knife I could and a piece of mail.

Me: "Colin, if something happens, I'm at 4208 Street Name."
Brother: "Are you Cuss Wording with me right now? I'm about to hang up and call 9-1-1."
Me: "No, I'm really okay. Don't call 9-1-1."

I think this was the point in the conversation where Colin thought an intruder had entered the room, put a gun to my head, and told me to say that I was okay.

Brother: "Cara, you call 9-1-1, or I'm going to!"

So, I called 9-1-1. (And I found out later that my brother did too.) The receptionist was real nice. Didn't make me feel like an idiot for calling. Stayed with me on the line while I waited with knife and mail in hand for the police to arrive. And they checked the perimeter and inside all the rooms. And the dog kept growling even after they left. And I was still scared. But eventually the dog calmed down. I scooped him up in my arms and put him in bed with me.

And the dog has been sleeping with me every night since.

In Other News

2010-07-16T10:37:00.002-06:00

In May I was accepted to be an intern with Mission to the World (MTW). I will serve in Monterrey, Mexico, and I hope to be there from January-July 2011.

I'm dusting off the ol' blog so I can keep you updated while I'm there, write about the things God is teaching me during this season of preparation, and document embarrassing stories (see previous entry).

Con amor & agradecimiento,
Cara

Fat Kid Tendencies Lead to Car Problems

2010-07-16T08:07:00.004-06:00

That seems like an appropriate headline.

So imagine a day like... yesterday. Imagine your friend Cara. Imagine this:

I've just finished tutoring a family from church. And it's been great; I leave happy and thankful. I head to work, and I hit a slump. I am tired. And I think the only thing that will make life bearable is if I pull over at Exit 5 and get a large Coca-Cola Classic from Chick-fil-a. Yes, that's all I need. I'm tired and hot, and my mouth is parched.

Well, if I'm gonna pull over, might as well make a meal of it? Number 6, three count, anyone? And the line's long, and I start my wait. And as I wait, I see my temperature gauge slowly creep up, and I see "Low coolant" flash across the front part of my car, which tells me all its ailments. I think to myself (censored version), "Gee Willikers! I am really in a pickle. Boxed in on all sides. No way out. It seems my car is getting hotter and hotter. Perhaps it will explode? Oh well, as long as I get my large Coke."

I approach the tape at the end of the race (the drive-thru window), and I see smoke starting to come from the hood. My car has had this problem before, and I know if I can just get it going, it will cool, and I can take it to the shop. I have no time to do this, though, because as I reach the window, something pops, and a ton of steam escapes my hood. Like, a lot of smoke, people.

17-year-old drive-thru cashier: Did your car just die?
Me: Yeah, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to do.
17-7ear-old drive-thru cashier: It would be my pleasure to get you out of this pickle. ::Hops through window and yells for 2 Mexicans who come running around the corner::
My thoughts: What is up with Chick-fil-a employees saying "my pleasure." And why do they have random Mexicans lurking behind the Chick-fil-a?

They proceed to push me to this little island where I will no longer block traffic, and someone brings my food out to me. I go in to pay, but they won't except my debit card. They seem more concerned that I get my smoking car the hell off their premises. I'm pretty sure they expressed this to me, using "my pleasure."

Now montage style!

I get my car going. On phone with Dad frantic. Say the S-word 20+ times. Car dies at intersection. Car going again. Pull into 7-11. Wait for tow truck. Eat Chick-fil-a and drink that large Coke in the comfort of the air conditioned 7-11. Also look at magazine with Lady Gaga. Tow truck comes. Car to my favorite car shop.

Ah, yes, my car's second home - M & F Automotive Group, Inc. It's run by mostly El Salvadorians, and I trust my mechanic Juan and think he's great and try not to think too much about how I have to go there every 6-8 weeks.

Crack in the radiator. Under warranty. And my car's up and running for another 6-8 weeks. All in all, everything worked out okay. It was a personal low point for me, but I do wish someone other than the 17-year-old drive-thru cashier and the 100+ people inside Chick-fil-a and waiting in the drive-thru could have seen the smoke issuing forth from my hood as I approached the window yesterday.

Blog closure is hard.

An Inventory: 2009

2010-01-10T23:01:00.007-06:00

Disclaimer: I may forget important people, places, and events.
Another disclaimer: I may censor some people, places, and events because... of a lot of reasons.

In 2009 I...

Hosted a New Year's Day dinner and made salmon & twice baked potatoes
Toasted with my old roommates Heather & Bridget to really getting over him and to being more assertive in 2009
(I did both of those things.)
Worked for Dallas County's Probation Department as a substance abuse counselor. I ran a Spanish-speaking group and a dual diagnosis (mental health & substance abuse) group. Now I'm just running the Spanish group.
Went on a pseudo-date with a friend and then told him I wanted to be friends
(That was the only date I went on.)
Participated in New St. Peter's new members class and then joined the church
Hosted a Fat Tuesday party on a Monday
Gave up soft drinks & my snooze bar for Lent
(I was more successful at the soft drinks than my snooze bar, though I developed a somewhat consistent habit of getting up earlier to read the Bible.)
Read through Psalms & Proverbs & Ecclesiastes & Song of Solomon & Lamentations & Joel & Amos & John & Romans & the rest of the New Testament minus 1 & 2 Corinthians & Revelation)
Started a lot of books without finishing them; finished some books. Books of note include: Inside Out & Younger Next Year & A Good Man is Hard to Find & The Artist's Way & Emotionally Healthy Spirituality & Sophie's World & Lonesome Dove & The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time.
Was a part of a home group at church
Met with a counselor at Dallas Center for Biblical Counseling
Was visited by Britt & her boyfriend
Went to SXSW on Christina's birthday weekend. Artists of Note include: Phosphorescent, Miles Benjamin Anthony Robinson, Cursive, and Handsome Family.
Mentored Jeanette through Big Brothers Big Sisters
Hosted a gathering for Kelly's birthday
Visited Austin for Bridget's birthday
Moved into a house with my new roommates Erin & Katy
(I love this house.)
Toured a timeshare and won a cruise for my mom and me
(Not sure if we'll actually get to go on a cruise...)
Met with a small group of friends to pray about once a week
Saw some great music in Dallas, including: Phosphorescent, Amos Lee, Grizzly Bear, David Bazan, Le Loup, Destroyer, and Neko Case
Watched my friend Joy get married
Watched Ford & Emma get married and then drove to Longview for Jessica & Alex's wedding on the same day
Attended Joel & Janae's wedding reception
Went to Ecuador on a mission trip with my church
Got my first speeding ticket & took defensive driving online
(It was in a school zone.)
Began Spanish tutoring for 3 families from church
Helped out with the 3rd-5th grade Wednesday night class at church
Visited my friend Heather in Colorado and saw the Avett Brothers twice
(!!)
Visited my aunt & uncle & old church in Florida
Dressed as an SNL character with baby hands for Halloween
Watched my local musician friends play lots of shows
Went camping with my roommates & some friends in Oklahoma
Got off my antidepressants
Had my car hit by my neighbor, found a great mechanic, and had it taken care of
Visited Mom's family in Tulsa for Thanksgiving
Went to a work conference in Austin over my birthday
Had a lovely birthday party at Emily's apartment with beautiful friends and lots of laughter
Visited my Dad's family in Tennessee for Christmas and got to see Mom & Kelsey in Dallas after Christmas
Was blessed with close female friendships, with both old and new friends
Mostly unsuccessfully attempted to work out more
Joined LA Fitness
Joined the library in Farmers Branch and then in Dallas
Learned a lot of stuff about myself
Gained 8 pounds
(I think I've lost 7 of those in 2010.)
Didn't have any serious crushes
Experienced jealousy, discontentment, etc.
Bought an old Schwinn bicycle
Donated 10 inches of my hair
Didn't do a lot of things on my never-ending to-do list; didn't live up to being the woman that I wanted to be
Re-thought that "woman I want to be"
(Less of a to-do/to-don't list, more of an understanding of God's love)

Now I'm just rambling. But I really don't want to forget the highlights of 2009. It was a good year, and for that I am so, so thankful.

On Emptiness

2009-10-28T12:28:00.002-06:00

Maybe we should spend less time trying to fill emptiness and more time trying to feel emptiness. Maybe that's where there's healing.

Goal Update

2009-09-28T12:28:00.004-06:00

Monday, 9/21 - 1 1/2 hours yoga
Tuesday, 9/22 - 1 1/2 hours yoga
Wednesday, 9/23 - nada
Thursday, 9/24 - nada
Friday, 9/25 - 1 1/2 hours yoga (Did I mention this is in a 98 degree room?)
Saturday, 9/26 - 45 minute bike ride
Sunday, 9/27 - 1 1/2 hours yoga

I'm pleased. Not too bad. This is something that's important for me, so I'll update y'all every now and again. I've been reading Younger Next Year, for Women. There's also a Younger Next Year that's non-gender specific. It's been pretty motivational.

A few deep thoughts: one from a counselor, one from my roommate, one from my mind. Get ready for your mind to be blown.

Counselor - From C.S. Lewis I think. Greatly paraphrased: If you feel like you don't belong in this world, it's because you weren't created for it.
Roommate - Children come into this world asking two things of their parents: "Do you love me?" and "Can I have what I want?" I'm still asking these things to my Father.
My mind - Would you rather date Jimmy Fallon or Seth Meyers?

Goal:

2009-09-20T22:48:00.001-06:00

Work out 6 days a week. One hour each time. Good, hard workout.

Life of Pie

2009-09-05T11:28:00.003-06:00

I'm thankful for friends who speak truth. For friends who have ideas. For friends who have ideas that I copy. The other day one of my friends suggested spending more time creating, less time being discontent. Less time thinking of boys.

So I picked up my Artist's Way book again. A great gift from a great friend. This was one of the assignments:

Draw a circle. Divide it into six pieces of pie. Do not eat your circle. Okay, I just added that. Label one piece spirituality, another exercise, another play, and so on with work, friends, and romance/adventure. Place a dot in each slice at the degree to which you are fulfilled in that area (outer rim indicates great; inner circle, not so great). Connect the dots. This will show you where you are lopsided.

This was my pie.
My first thought upon completing the assignment: Hm, is there a relationship between exercise and romance?

Those were my two "lowest" areas. In much of my life I feel fulfilled. Not to the brim fulfilled, but thankful and content.

Play - There's no shortage of activity in Dallas. Parties and concerts, movies and walks, awesomely bad television.

Work - Love it. Paperwork can be tedious. Would rather get home a bit earlier. But mostly I'm just plain thankful for it and feel blessed.

Friends - Yes. Have some very meaningful friendships with people I see rather often. Learning that my friends still love me even if we're further apart, even if we don't keep up as much as we'd like. And how do I know this? Well, I know I sure love them still.

Romance/adventure - Odd that this was an and/or category. Romance seems to be in a comatose state. Adventure I could use more of. I guess in a lot of ways I equate adventure with travel. That, or jumping from cliffs into water. I guess I have some trips coming up.

Spirituality - So thankful for this time of peace and clarity. For a desire to understand God's love, to pray, etc. Never completely fulfilled though. Can never really understand God's love. Continually striving to be more and more the woman I was created to be. Steps forward, steps backward.

Exercise - I just plain need to make myself do this more often. Sure, I'd like to look hot hot hot, but that's not why I need to exercise. Y'all know all the reasons it's good for us to exercise, and I know them too.

These last couple years I've been reluctant to turn the clock forward to a new year. 22 sounds so young, you know? And I'm looking at 24 here in a few months. I think I'm reluctant to leave the year because my expectations have not become realities. But today something hit me. So what if my life doesn't look like what I thought it would at 23? I'm one year closer to what God has planned for me. One year closer to husband and grandbabies and meeting my Maker. Why would I want to stay here when all of what is planned lies ahead?

And I told this to a friend, and she spoke truth to me, and I'm going to copy what she said here. She reminded me that we can't live in the past and we can't live in the future. I'm right here. Right now is what God has planned for me. I think she said it better than that, but you get the idea.

Love,
Cara

An Old Friend

2009-02-01T23:52:00.002-06:00

Oh, I know you so well
I see what others cannot see
Hear what others cannot hear
You're less than you pretend to be

Oh, I know your intentions
You can't hide them from me
There's only evil and hate
Behind all is deceit

Oh, when will you stop
Clinging to your iniquity?
Cherishing it, holding it close
It's like you don't want to be free

Oh, where can I find you?
With your friend Jealousy
And all of her treasures
That's where you will be

You ask how it is
I can pick you apart
And all I can say is
Because you're my Heart.

I Went to Kill My Lover

2009-01-11T17:52:00.002-06:00

I went to kill my lover
I went to kill my friend
He had been with another
No longer was my man

Pa said I should do it
As he handed me the gun
God gave me the bullet
And the help of his Son

He thought I'd forgotten him
It had been years ago
Didn't know I still thought of him
That my love had not grown cold

He didn't hear me coming
My breath or gun or feet
He didn't see me shaking
As the tear rolled down my cheek

And then a thousand memories
Came flooding to my head
My head resting on my shoulder
As the held me close in bed

The way my hand felt in his
As he squeezed it so, so tight
The way his eyes met my eyes
When he met me that first night

And then I pulled the trigger
Shot through the memories
It only took one bullet
To bring him to his knees

And then I looked at my lover
I looked at my friend
And when I looked at myself
There was blood upon my hands

But as I kept on looking
At the blood that stained my hands
The blood became like water
That baptized me again

The tear fell to the ground
And the ground melted away
Then there was nothing left but brightness
The blinding light of day

I went to kill my lover
I went to kill my friend
To let my heart know peace
To find freedom once again

An Inventory

2008-12-31T16:46:00.010-06:00

The following took place in the year 2008:

I celebrated New Years Eve 2007 in the house that I would move into in less than a year.
Okay, that happened in 2007.
I was Head RA for Sherley Hall.
I was chair of the recycling committee.
I did neither of those things too well.
I was a co-director for Awakening, a Catholic Retreat.
I'm really proud of how that turned out.
I saw No Country for Old Men and There Will Be Blood and 27 Dresses and Sex & the City and The Dark Knight and Burn After Reading and Synecdoche, New York in theaters.
I only saw 27 Dresses cos I went with the Sherley staff.
I gave up Facebook for Lent.
I was a social work intern for Tarrant County's Intensive Day Treatment Program.
I was a group counselor for probationers with drug problems.
I loved it.
I considered dropping out of school and checking into a hospital for depression.
I roadtripped and camped at Fall Creek Falls with Meredith and Jamie and Benj.
I saw Sarah Jaffe and Doug Burr and The Bowerbirds and Phosphorescent and Bon Iver and The Avett Brothers and Wolf Parade and Mason Jennings and Fleet Foxes and Josh Ritter and John Prine and Dylan Sneed and RTB2 and The Beaten Sea play musica.
I traveled to New York with classmates for Social Work Day at the U.N.
I dated someone for a short little while.
I completed my senior research project and honors thesis.
I walked into class late countless times and turned in countless things late and didn’t even turn some stuff in.
My supervisor and professors extended grace to me again and again.
I was inducted into Pi Beta Kappa, the nation’s most prestigious honor society.
I cried with my parents when I found out about Pi Beta Kappa. I didn’t understand how I deserved it.
I was president of Phi Alpha, the Social Work honor society.
I didn’t do anything in this role; it was just a title.
I was a part of TCU’s Interfaith Council and National Association of Social Workers.
I was a part of the Living Wage Movement, which worked to raise housekeepers’ salaries. And succeeded!
I graduated Summa Cum Laude (barely).
I walked across a stage and took a piece of paper and shook the Chancellor’s hand. My mom couldn’t have been happier.
My dad couldn’t have been sadder because he knew how depressed I was.
And me? Well, I didn’t walk across the stage on my own two feet. I walked across with the feet of countless others who held me up when I couldn’t walk on my own. Plus, I like to touch the Chancellor every chance I get.
Martha threw me a graduation party, and Britt traveled all the way from Missouri to be there.
I attended counseling about once a week throughout the entire year (except for June and July).
I visited Portland and couchsurfed for a week after graduation.
I moved into the on-campus apartments and lived with Molly and Alicia and Mary.
I watched my cousin get married to his sweetheart.
I spent a week with my two little sisters.
We laughed a lot that week.
I was a maid of honor (one of three) for my best friend Christina.
I watched Christina walk down the aisle through joyful tearstains.
I was an office manager for TCU Conference Housing.
I watched all four seasons of The Office in the office with my co-workers.
I slept an average of 15 hours a day over the summer.
This is not something I’m proud of.
I visited Kelly in College Station.
I spent the Fourth of July in an inflatable shark pool named Sharkpool.
I felt incapable of being an adult, of getting a job, of finding a place to live.
I fell for a guy and then found out he had a girlfriend.
I roadtripped to Oklahoma City to spend the weekend with Amy and Kim and Jordan, my best friends from high school.
I made the decision to move to Florida with my aunt because, quite frankly, I didn’t have the strength to do anything else.
I flew back to Fort Worth for my friend Beth’s wedding.
I had some of my loneliest, saddest, angriest, hardest days in Florida.
I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, and I faced my demons.
I found a church in Florida that I loved loved loved.
I designed slides for the slideshows at church.
My aunt took care of me, and I took care of my aunt, and she became my third parent.
I left Florida with strength and confidence. I left Florida grateful for all I had been through and learned.
I spent two weeks in Bristol, Tennessee with my dad, strengthening our relationship, trying to figure out what in the hell I was going to do with my life.
I decided to move to Farmers Branch and live with Heather and Bridget.
I stuffed a pair of panty hose and dressed as a fat Hooter’s girl (a.k.a. Cara from the future) for Halloween.
One of my closest friends from high school, Amy, got married in Mexico.
A friend from Florida, Daniel, came to visit me in Texas.
I spent about six weeks being unemployed (plus all that time in Florida and Bristol).
Savings ran out somewhere back in Florida, and I was supported by my father.
I participated in a three week boot camp and got crazy strong.
Well, stronger than I was before
I visited a church in Dallas regularly.
I greatly enjoyed cooking and baking in my very large kitchen.
My friend Richie threw a party for my 23^rd birthday.
The Beaten Sea and RTB2 played at Richie’s party.
I got my first big girl job, my dream job.
I cried with my parents when I found out about the job.
I’m a substance abuse counselor for Dallas County’s adult probation.
I was jealous of others.
I judged others.
I judged myself.
I hated myself.
I was lazy.
I was too proud sometimes.
There were countless thoughts and feelings and actions I was ashamed of.
I fucked up a lot.
I learned a lot about myself.
I tried to love myself.
I decided to be a Big Sister with Big Brothers Big Sisters
I spent Christmas in Tulsa, and Dad drove from Tennessee to be there with us.
God drew me back to him somewhere along the way.
All along the way
And I’m about to go to a New Years party at Jamie and Benj’s house.
And I’m probably forgetting a bunch of important and unimportant stuff.

Thank you for being a part of my 2008.

Carrying Heat

2008-12-24T22:54:00.002-06:00

I just made my first purchase on eBay. I don't know why, but my family thinks that miniature gun keychains with holsters are hilarious. Imagine the power I'll have when I'm carrying this with me all the time. I feel like I can't say this enough: I love my family. Lots lots.

Happy Christmas. May your hearts be light.

How Not to Get a Job: Or Maybe the Best Possible Way to Get a Job

2008-12-17T22:30:00.006-06:00

Think about what you most want to do. (In my case this is social work with criminals who are addicts. )
Make a phone call.
Email a resume and writing sample.
Come in for an interview.
Pray before the interview. Pray that God's will would be done. Pray that above all you want your work to glorify him, and if that means shutting some doors, that's okay. Pray thanks because you know God is providing and will provide.
Wait four to six weeks for a background check to clear. (In my case it was four weeks and 6 days.)
Be lovingly and graciously financially supported by a parent.
Continue to pray. Pray that God's will would be done. Pray that above all you want your work to glorify him, and if that means shutting some doors, that's okay. Pray thanks because you know God is providing and will provide.
Cry. Cry because you don't want to have to borrow any more money, because money is tight, because it's hard to accept help, because you just want to feel normal - like an adult. Cry because sometimes it's hard to believe your own prayers.
But don't cry too much. Mostly just pray and feel a deep peace.
Enjoy being unemployed. (In my case this was cooking and baking and Sex & the City and piano and reading and sleeping in and TV and working out.)
Get an email and then a phone call that you got the job.
Call your parents with the news.
Cry with them because you just got your first real job, because God provided. Because God provided. Because God provided.
Get down on your knees and say thank you.
Start working.
(In my case love the job so far.)

Speaking of my job, I might have to shut the ol' blog down. I need to navigate the ethical dilemma of my clients being able to read about my personal life. I might make this blog private. I might give up blogging altogether. I might write on Facebook. I'll keep you posted - pun intended.

This is a time in my life when I'm being completely selfish. Or maybe I'm just practicing some self-care. Here are some things that I'm doing and/or want to do once I have a steady paycheck:

The Artist's Way*
Yoga classes
Boot camp*
Piano lessons
Volleyball league
Counseling*
Women's Bible study/small group
Big Sister with Big Brothers Big Sisters*
Cooking and baking*
Reading good books and self-helpy books*
Cycling

*Already doing

I might not have time to do all of these things, and that's okay. Because I also want time with my roommates and friends and family and time to veg out and time to get a good night's sleep.

Finally, I really like these words. They're Josh's, not mine.

There's a friend that I have
And for her I'll go back
You see all of these empties that I'm holding
They're too much for a man
Empty arms, empty hands
And she'll know me by the sound of my hoping

Singing don't let me into this year with an empty heart
With an empty heart
Don't let me into this year with an empty heart

Did I mention that I didn't apply anywhere else or send my resume anywhere else or interview anywhere else?

Imaginary Lives

2008-12-10T11:21:00.003-06:00

I've starting reading and working through The Artist's Way. Britt gave it to me as a birthday present, and it's one of the best presents I've ever received. Anyway, I'll probably post some exercises on here in the next 12 weeks (or however long it takes me to make it through the course). And hopefully I'll begin writing poetry again and won't be afraid to let others see it.

So this exercise asks, "If you had five other lives to lead, what would you do in each of them?"

Stay at home mom
Peace Corps
Screenwriter, director, pick music for films - filmy stuff
Baker
Roadie

What about you?

On Loneliness, Marriage, Dating, etc.

2008-11-21T14:52:00.006-06:00

Do you ever find yourself surrounded by friends and then driving home lonely?

Yeah, me too. Loneliness is hard. Right now is a very rare moment in my life where I don't "like like" anyone and am not stuck mourning a failed relationship. I don't even know if I would want to date anyone right now or be in a relationship.

There's just this little hole in my heart, and some nights I can feel it more than others. God has given me this desire to be married, to be loved and taken care of by a man and to love and take care of a man. And I guess the hole and desire have been there since I was a little girl.

I've told myself in the past, "You shouldn't feel lonely. God is all you need," or some variation of that sentiment. But I'm not sure that's completely accurate. Sure, "God is all I need," but I seem to remember many biblical characters experiencing loneliness. Perhaps it's okay for me to feel lonely and long for a future day and recognize that God is with me, and God has a plan for me.

I've never felt more hopeful about my future marriage. I just have a peace that I am going to end up with someone wonderful who makes me feel loved and beautiful. I'm not so naive to think that he will be perfect or our relationship will be perfect. I can thank my parents' three failed marriages for this healthy realism. But he will be the person God has picked out for me, and I just have this feeling that we will have something really special, something that brings me great joy.

And if I'm not meant to be married, if I'm called to a life of celibacy, then I trust that God will mold my heart and take away my desire for a family, and I want to be able to honestly say that I would be okay with this.

The problem with feeling so hopeful about the future is that I want to enjoy the now. I don't want there to be too many nights when I drive home lonely. Because if I could map out my life, I probably wouldn't want to marry until I was 30 or so, and, well, that's 8 or so years if you do the math. So what do I do?

One, I recognize that (thank God) I am not the one mapping out my life, and I do not want to be the one to plan when I get married, when I have children, when I go to grad school, etc. Two, so much of my heart is full, and there is so much to enjoy, and I think I can continue to enjoy life, even with that little hole.

I really don't want to mess up any more "relationships" or the like. It just hurts too much. So, do I date casually? Do I not date at all? Maybe I'll just start with a guy taking me out to dinner and go from there. I think that could be nice. I feel a lot of guilt about the mistakes I've made in past "relationships" or the like, and I fear I still judge myself and my ability to date.

I need to remember that I have learned a hell of a lot over the years: Don't have expectations about the future. Don't let someone make you feel like shit. Don't share too much too soon. Let the "relationship" or the like develop organically. Ask God to guard your heart; ask for God's will to be done. There are men out there who treat you real well and make you laugh.

All these things and more. I'm not the person I was three months ago or three years ago, and I need to give myself more credit. I wish I could go back to all the people I've dated (and there aren't that many of them) and apologize for my mistakes and share the lessons I've learned. But that stuff is in the past, and I just pray that they will give me grace and acknowledge the fact that I was young, and I made mistakes, and I never meant to hurt anyone or hurt myself.

Maybe I need to give myself more grace and acknowledge the fact that I was young, and I made mistakes, and I never meant to hurt anyone or hurt myself. And you know what? I want to be able to say that about all of the guys I've dated (and there aren't that many of them), and I think I can.

So this is me. Exposed. I get lonely. I have so much hope. I'm trying not to judge myself, and I hope you don't judge me. I think I'm ready to be asked out to dinner.

Oh, also: Being Leo's aunt (he's the precious baby angel muffin that is Heather's kitten) takes away a lot of loneliness.

Job Update

2008-11-17T14:13:00.003-06:00

Last week I interviewed with Dallas County to be a group counselor for probationers with substance abuse problems. This is exactly what I want to do right now; I love working with that population. In my opinion the interview went swimmingly. I really liked the woman who would be supervising me, and the salary isn't shabby either (for a social worker/recent graduate). So, they had me fill out paperwork for HR and for my background check, and hopefully I'll be hired after my background check comes through. Of course, I know things can change, and I haven't been offered the job, so this is still a big maybe.

Unfortunately the background check takes 2-6 weeks to clear, and supposedly it's a miracle if it clears in 2 weeks. So I'm not sure what to do. Do I keep pursuing other social work jobs and conducting interviews? Do I get some seasonal work in the meantime? I've decided to pursue one other agency (a ministry my friend Martha told me about), and I'm also going to do some part-time work.

I'm going to be a ringer for Salvation Army (via Annie). That's going to be me at the Lewisville Wal-Mart entrance!

And I also have an interview with Anthropologie (via Sara) tomorrow morning (discounted coat for Jordan? I think yes).

If Anthropologie doesn't work out, then I'll try subbing at a Christian school (via Emily). Gosh, it really is all about who you know, isn't it?

Anyway, that's my boring job update. Hopefully I'll be a real social worker with my dream job in 2-6 weeks. And, if not, it wasn't meant to be, and I'll keep moving forward. And I'll be a real social worker with my dream job in a TBD amount of time.

Happy Christmas

2008-11-10T21:38:00.005-06:00

I moved back to Dallas a couple weeks ago.

In honor of moving in with one Ms. Heather Hubbard, I put in the "Folk Me! It's Christmas" mix CD she gave me for Christmas last year. Hah, I had no idea at the time that I would be living with her in less than a year's time. I love the mix and have listened to it often in the last several months. There was one song, though, that I more than loved. I would listen to it over and over, something I've only done with a handful of songs that have really moved me. The song is Sufjan Steven's "Sister Winter." Here's a link to a YouTube page of the song: aforementioned link. In the last year there have been many times the first few verses and chorus have made me cry, as I was overcome with the truth of the lyrics in my own life. I would drive down the road or highway or wherever I found myself, wiping away tears and then hitting repeat because I had found something that described exactly how I felt.

Oh my friends I've
Begun to worry right
Where I should be grateful
I should be satisfied

Oh my heart I
Would clap and dance in place
With my friends I have so
Much pleasure to embrace

But my heart is
Returned to sister winter
But my heart is
As cold as ice
...

All my friends, I've
Returned to sister winter
All my friends, I
Apologise, apologise

I don't know how else to elaborate on what Sufjan has written. You have no idea the number of times I have wanted to apologize for the way I have retreated into depression in the last few years. If you want to know how I've felt, well, just read those verses above a few times.

So, I left for Florida for a few months, and I moved to Dallas a couple weeks ago.

And I've been listening to Heather's mix, and I've found that "Sister Winter" still reduces me to tears. Only, these days I've been crying at a different part of the song. The song breaks at the end and concludes with this verse:

And my friends, I've
Returned to wish you all the best
And my friends, I've
Returned to wish you all the best
And my friends, I've
Returned to wish you all the best
And my friends, I've
Returned to wish you a happy Christmas

And I don't know how else to elaborate on what Sufjan has written. I feel grateful; I feel satisfied. I feel as though my heart has returned. And it brings tears to my eyes to think of being near my dearest friends and to think of being a better friend to my friends who are far away.

There are still times when I feel a deep sadness and hurt. But I'm trying my darnedest to not retreat back into sister winter. Rather, I'm feeling and hurting while feeling gratitude and hope. My heart is very much alive and full.

It brings me so much joy to wish you a happy Christmas.

Excerpts From My 5th Grade Journal

2008-10-20T11:47:00.003-06:00

August 15, 1996

You know it's the first day of school when... your nerve racking alarm clock buzzes that oh so familiar "beep, beep, beep, beep." Your hand rises in the air, about to pound the snooze bar, when you realize that it's the first day of school. You pull yourself out of bed and walk over to your neatly stacked pile of clothes for the day. You exchange your Mickey Mouse boxers for your brand new, formal school dress. You walk into the bath room to grab your hair brush, gaze into the mirror, and for a split second you realize that this is all happening, and that you are a fifth grader.

September 19, 1996

My favorite part of the day, or should I say night, is when I crawl into my soft, clean bed. As I flop my head on my soft, feather pillow a sigh of rilief comes from deep billow. My loving mother gentally rubs her fingers through my tangly hair. Then I talk to her about anything I want to. She comforts me and tells me that everything will be allright. After that she'll sway out of the room, turn around and blow a kiss to me. I'll be content and happy all night long.

October 3, 1996

Today I feel terrible. It seems like the farther I go into my day the worse I feel. I think I feel bad because I got in trouble this morning. I hate it when I get in trouble. I can't stop being mean. I wish I could pull my self back together and start being my self. I think I'm at a point in my life when God has to test me to see if I'm strong enough to get through the hard parts of life.

1-6-97

One of my new-years resolutions is to go to sunday school more often. I know you think that is probally easy, but it's not when you have divorced parents. I also want to be one of Jesus' disciples. What I mean by that is I want to be nice to everybody and forgive them and mean it. I also want to do my very best and neatest work at school.

I wasn't the best speller.
I was also pretty pious.

The Love of a Family

2008-10-14T09:22:00.003-06:00

Sometimes when I try to comprehend all of the love shared between my dad and brother and mom and sisters and me, my body cannot contain it all, and tears pour from my eyes.

"Always remember there was nothing worth sharing like the love that let us share our name."

Letter to Grace Community Church

2008-10-13T11:39:00.004-06:00

Much has transpired in the last week.
I am no longer in Florida.
Things are good.
I was going to say a little something at my church's 20 year anniversary service last night, but I had already left, so I wrote this letter instead.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Dear Grace Community Church,

I’m not sure how to begin this letter, so I guess I’ll start from the beginning. I moved to Tarpon Springs to live with my aunt and uncle two months ago to seek treatment for depression. I graduated from college in May and wasn’t ready to move forward as an adult; I needed some time to heal and be loved. I wasn’t sure what my time in Florida was going to look like. I simply wanted to find a good counselor, a good psychiatrist, and a good church.

God was beginning his work even before I left Fort Worth, Texas. I hadn’t attended church regularly during college, and I had mixed feelings in general about church. But weeks before I left for Florida, I began to have a hunger for the Gospel, and I wanted to make church a priority.

So, two days after arriving in Tarpon Springs I visited Grace Community Church. It happened to be the closest PCA church according to the phone book. My aunt and I visited the church together, walking in late to the service. As I scanned the crowed, I noticed there was a shortage of people who looked like me—20-something females. But Pastor Brent gave a solid Gospel message, something I wanted and needed to hear. I left Grace thinking I would visit some other churches in the area, but I had enjoyed the service.

Pastor Brent called my aunt and me later in the week to invite us to coffee. We accepted the invitation and decided to meet at a MacDonald’s so Cortland could come too. Pastor Brent shared with us the history of Grace. He told us about the transition from the Brethren denomination to PCA. He told us that when he arrived at Grace three (I believe it was three) years ago, he knew he was coming to probably shut down the church and bring healing to a confused and hurting community. But when he arrived at Grace, he found a congregation that didn’t think that God was finished with them yet. They made a very small budget stretch, and the pews began to fill again.

And I’m so glad that you knew that God had not finished his work at Grace because it is obvious to me that he is at work here, and he is guiding this church. Pastor Brent also told my aunt and me about Sunday school and small groups and starting a small group for young adults. All of these things sounded great to me, and I wanted to go back to Grace the following Sunday with new eyes.

I attended Sunday school, which I noticed was completely Biblically driven. I saw men and women who were interested in hearing Biblical truth, and I slowly began to meet some women after Sunday school. Again, during the service that Sunday, I heard a message centered on the Gospel. And after the service I continued to meet church members who seemed genuinely glad to meet me and see me at Grace. I can’t describe it, but I felt welcomed and comfortable and at home, and I knew I had found something special.

Even after visiting the church just two times I felt compelled to email my closest friends back home and tell them about Grace and how excited I was to be there. I had never felt this way before—so energized and excited to continue going back to church.

And I did just that. I attended Sunday school and church, small groups on Sunday nights and Tuesday nights, and the women’s Bible study on Wednesday nights. I knew that in each of these places I would be surrounded by men and women who loved God and sought to know him more. I knew that I would hear the Gospel. And this combination of Gospel and community is exactly what I needed as I was overcoming my depression. Indeed, I recognize that I will always be in need of the Gospel and community.

It was not my will to be in Florida, living with my aunt and uncle, seeking treatment for depression, after graduating from college. I always imagined myself with a prestigious job or internship, maybe even in a different country. It was not my will to be here, so I know it must have been God’s, and I’m so grateful it was God’s will that came to fruition and not my own. I have no doubt that I was meant to walk into Grace Community Church two months ago and experience everything that God is doing there. I am now seeking God’s will as I decide on what comes next and where I will be next, and I know he will provide guidance.

I know I will always look back on these two months with gratitude; this was truly a special time in my life. I experienced unconditional love from my aunt and uncle. I saw the fruits of counseling and antidepressant medication. And most importantly, I came to have a deep peace about my faith. Everyone at Grace, from Zachary to Harriet and all the middle-aged folks in between (that’s just for Sue!), has meant so much to me—more than you’ll ever know. It meant so much to me to see Christ-centered marriages, women who came together, hungry to look at God’s word, and people my age who came together, not only to laugh and have fun, but to be honest with each other about real struggles.

I will not soon forget Grace Community Church, and I look forward to returning each time I come to Tarpon Springs to visit my aunt and uncle. Even more, I look forward to the time when we will all be together in Heaven. Thank you, Grace, for everything.

Most sincerely,

Klara Bennington

My New Farty Shoes

2008-09-13T20:08:00.004-06:00

Well, I do like myself a pair of really ugly really comfortable shoes - the cheaper the better. So, when I came across a pair of really ugly really comfortable sandals for $5.99 today, I couldn't pass them up. After all, a girl can never have too many pairs of really ugly really comfortable shoes, right?

What I didn't realize when I bought the sandals, though, was that they make a farty noise sometimes when I step with my left foot.

So, my new favorite thing to do in Florida is go grocery shopping in my new farty shoes. Every now and then an old lady will look up when she hears the farty noise, and I'll just cover my mouth, laugh sheepishly, and hurry to the next aisle, leaving the old ladies to shake their heads in disbelief/disgust.

Man, fart jokes are the best!

Can't think of a good title.

2008-09-11T19:39:00.003-06:00

To whom it may concern:

If you ever tell me you don't think I want to feel better (i.e. not depressed) again, I will turn into a fire monster and bite your head off. That is all.

Also, unrelated: I don't think I realized how bad the economy was until I drove through a Wendy's, ordered a $0.99 Frosty, and received my Frosty in a paper shot glass. Seriously? Three ounces?

Also, I love my new church. Love love love it.

I guess I owe you the obligatory Florida update, so I'll try to write more later, but y'all know me; I might not get around to it.

Love,
Baby Fire Monster

Some Thoughts, Etc.

2008-08-25T19:56:00.005-06:00

Airplanes are for TIME Magazine and Peanut Butter M&Ms.

I can't stop the tears for the plank in my eye.
I can't see he removed the plank for the tears down my cheek.
Oh won't he wipe away my tears?

Can you accept a gift if you don't understand it?

I get that I'm a sinner,
But I don't get the love.
Where does this leave me?
Somewhere between confusion and despair.

DFW isn't quite home,
And Florida isn't quite home.
They say home is where the heart is,
But I haven't found mine yet.

Something is working inside me, and I'm hopeful. It's just dark right now.

"There ain't no dark till something shines
I'm bound to leave this dark behind"
-Townes Van Zandt

I believe. Help my freaking unbelief!

I'm getting gray hair, and I'm okay with this.
I'm getting wrinkles, and I'm okay with this.
I'm getting purple veins on my legs, and I'm okay with this.
Because I have nice eyelashes
and nice legs.

I want to name three of my children Sofia, Jonah, and Emaline.

Would anyone be interested in having a communal blog where we write about faith stuff: questions, verses, confusions, clarities, prayers, authors, etc?

P. S. I have limited internet connectivity here, so my entries and reading and commenting are coming slowly.

Well, I certainly attract a certain type.

2008-07-28T17:47:00.004-06:00

Note to self: Beware of funny musician. Suspect probably bearded, potentially very kind. He can and will use the internet to contact you.

On another note: Wolf Parade = Wolf AWESOME!!!
Also, this weekend was great.
Also, I leave in eight days.

R.I.P. Brown-Lupton Student Center

2008-07-18T00:38:00.004-06:00

It was such an ugly building, but I sort of liked it.
Sometimes I hold onto ugly things for the sake of nostalgia.
Sometimes it's time to burn this shit down
and look in a new direction.
I might not be talking about the building anymore.

Gratitiude, Part 2 + Let's try this again.

2008-07-13T23:36:00.005-06:00

I'm back to write more as promised. First of all, I want to say thank you. Each of your comments on each of my posts means so much to me. I don't know if I can quite put it into words, so I'll just say thank you - really, sincerely thank you. And not just for comments, because so many of you do so much more or may read and not comment or may not read, and that's totally cool too, dudes.

Anyway, I want to respond to each of the comments you left on my last post, and I'll do so below.

Also, I want to be a better blogger. I know that might sound lame. I feel lame almost every time I say the word blog or any of its derivatives. But, who cares? The truth is that I've read almost all of your posts without commenting. I can't explain. I just stopped one day. And I had this dream that I'd return and leave comments on almost every one of your posts of old. But now that thought is overwhelming, and I just want to start fresh on your most recent posts. Is that okay?

In a weird way this is representative of my life. I'm overwhelmed, and there's so much I want to do. So much I feel I need to catch up on. I think I'll start with little things I can do.

Anton said...

Cara, first of all, I think you're really great. Like, more than just kind of great, I think you are amazing.

Second, I can never be your boyfriend. I mean, I'm kind of a shining example of most of the things on your list of boyfriend material, but I absolutely cannot grow a beard. Since that ranks #2 on your list, I think that officially crosses me off.

Thirdly, if life wasn't a continual search for the truth, even with the knowledge of the truth of Christ written on your heart, I think life would get pretty boring. You will learn new things your whole life, that may well be the key to happiness and peace.

And then last, do what you want. Not in a selfish way, love God and love the people around you, but do what you need to do to feel fulfilled in life.

Did I mention that you're great?

Anton, wow, first, thank you for being so affirming. I think I really need to hear stuff like that sometimes, and my friends provide over and over.

Second, I've been thinking about that list some, and really I just desire the first three (loves God, loves me, loves others). I have a feeling that God has someone in store for me, and I couldn't possibly plan how great he will be. Anyway, I don't think we could date either. We're totally in the friend zone.

Third, thank you for reminding me that the truth is written on my heart.

Lastly, thank you. You are a good a man, Anton.

Martha Elaine Belden said...

aww... anton's comment is greatness. one of the many reasons i love that guy. and i have to echo everything he said... including the whole "i can't be your boyfriend... no beard" thing. i also have boobs, and i think that probably crosses me off the list, as well.

know that none of us want you leave, only because we love you. but we will all support you, whatever you decide to do. all we want is for you to be wise, and healthy and happy. the thing is... wisdom, health and happiness don't always look the way the world would have us believe.

i think b/c you struggle with this deep sadness and tumultuous faith, you may sometimes believe you don't know what happiness is. but i see happiness in your face so often. b/c happiness isn't this grand, sweeping state of mind. happiness is in the small things. like the beautiful smile you had on your face when you watched your best friend walking down the aisle. that was happiness.

when you come into dallas and talk about music and travel and pooping with people who love you for who you are and you laugh and smile and just... are. that is happiness.

when you feel warm as you think on the people in your life... family, friends, mentors (father charlie, etc.). that is happiness.

you have happiness, my friend. and that's what makes you wonderful. b/c you also have sadness and fear and difficulty. but we all do. you are different, in wonderful, quirky ways. but don't let yourself believe that you're this broken, scary wreck b/c you struggle with depression and sometimes feel faithless.

so many of us do. it's what makes us multi-dimensional. and even though it hurts sometimes... it's what makes you strong and empathetic and whole.

i'm just rambling now. but i want you to be happy, and want you to beat this sadness. and i believe you will in time. but know that it'll never be completely gone... and that's okay. by experiencing these really low points, our joy is that much magnified in the really happy times. it allows you to feel blissfully happy over the smallest things. whereas people who've never experienced true strife... never really have that.

love you, friend. whatever you do... wherever you go... you'll be the same amazing cara, and even when you struggle with your faith... God will be there, too.

Gosh, Martha, thank you for speaking truth to me. Also, you’ve got great boobs.

I need to compose an email and send it to my friends about leaving. I’ll save the details for then. I think – no, I know – that I have desired happiness, to overcome my depression, more than I have desired a relationship with God. I’m still grappling with what that means, but I’m beginning to see purpose in the struggle.

You’re right; I recognize that I am happiest when I am near my family and closest friends, many of whom live in DFW. But my family is spread out. This will certainly play a part in my future plans.

I love you, Martha.

crackers and cheese said...

There's more I want to say, either in a comment or the phone or gchat or email, but for now I just want to say that you're amazing, I love you, I want the best for you, I want you to be happy and healthy, I love that you're adventurous, and you seek truth, and you seek peace, and you seek God's will. If I could give you all the things you need, then I would in a heartbeat. I'm praying for you. I'm thinking about you.

You're one of the greatest friends I've ever had, and when you told me a few days ago that you might never move back to DFW, it shocked and saddened me. Though we live three hours away, I'd taken it for granted that when I come home for a weekend, Cara will be there. But I believe that good things are in store for you, and I want those for you, wherever that may be, here, Florida, Portland, Alaska, Barcelona, Central America, I don't know. I don't think the locale matters, actually. Maybe a little, but the things you're struggling with are things that people everywhere struggle with. Even married people with kids. That's probably not comforting, and now I'm starting to ramble. But you will always struggle in some way or another, not the same way, and not with the same things. It doesn't matter that you struggle, it matters how you struggle, that you turn to God, and turn to others, and don't give up, and don't ever let go of the hope you have. Even in your saddest times, I see so much hope in you, and it's beautiful. You are beautiful.

Seriously, how can I begin to say thank you for the words of hope and truth that all of my friends have poured out to me?

It does make me sad to think about leaving DFW. I never expected this. This is a tribute to the wonderful relationships I have in spite of, well, me.

The timing is so right for me to read your words about struggle. You are beautiful, Kelly. This weekend was wonderful.

if walled in climb up said...

Wow, you have a lot on your mind!

You could:

1. Write a list of things you want to do within 10 years. Then narrow it down to 5 years. Then pick one of the things on the 5 year list to start now; the one that feels that "good" "right" feeling.

2. Forget about what anyone expects of you to do after graduation and just do what your heart deeply desires (although it sounds like you don't know what that is). Even if it's becoming a ski instructor in New Zealand or bookstore clerk in Portland.

3. Go to India and do social work Mother Theresa style.

4. Move here and do social work with a friend in town who loves you very much! (Did I mention they have a Masters' program here??)

Weddings are the happiest funerals, aren't they? It is surreal.

When I'm depressed, it helps me to remember that the sadness is always just a blip on the screen of life. It is all cyclical--yes, you're sad right now, but you will always be happy again. And you'll be sad again, and then you'll be happy. Remember things will ALWAYS get better.

I hope some kind of plan soon begins to feel good to you.

Anton's a stud, beard or not.

I love you. : )

I do have a lot on my mind, Britt, and I know you do too, sweetie.

1. I don’t think I’m quite in a place to do this. Good advice, though.

2. I’m learning so much about my heart right now.

3. One day

4. That’s going on the list.

That’s the advice my dad gives me. I repeat over and over, “Everything is okay.”

Anton is a hunka hunka burnin’ love. That’s what my mom used to say when I was little, and I’d always laugh. I love you, Britt. I forgot to type that last part the first time I published this, and I feel awful. I hope you know how special you are to me.

if walled in climb up said...

P.S. What kind of pet do you want?

I like dogs and cats lots.

Ben said...

Speaking as one whose head needs much and frequent clearing and whose shit is in perpetual need of getting together:

You know this, but you will not find yourself somewhere else. You are where you are. That's not to say that you don't need to be somewhere else, and God knows all I wanted to do for a year and a half in DFW was go to the next place (and then had a brief period right before I succeeded of wondering very hard whether I'd ever actually wanted that).

You know this, but you don't get to choose between community and no community. You only get to choose whether to cope with wishing for a new or different community than the one you know or cope with wishing it didn't take so damnably long for people to become your community.

You know this, but guys with beards are almost never half as interesting as they would like for their facial hair to indicate to the world at large.

You know this, but whatever time you spend not questioning or doubting is just time spent catching your breath, not running the race, not moving toward the goal. The one you're running toward knows how hard it is to believe he cares about you the way he says he does. But he is not giving up.

I hope you know this: I love it whenever you write, because oh God, it means somebody else knows about these things, and I need so very badly to know that.

Sincerely,
Disqualified By #8 In Berlin

God, Ben, wow, I needed so much to hear this. Thank you for empathizing. Thank you helping me feel not alone.

I know this.

Oh, Lord, do I know this.

I don’t know if I knew this. I need to know this.

Please publish something someday. I had no idea what you meant by “Disqualified By #8.” Because I’m slow. But, you know the thing about sexy? For me, sexy doesn’t come immediately. A lot of time it doesn’t come at all. Sexy comes with knowing someone’s heart. Ben, the woman you are going to be with will find you so damn sexy.

christina said...

hey, i love you. i can't really ever seem to think of a better thing to say, but i think that's maybe the best thing i can say. is it? it's true, ya know. you'll be my best friend no matter where we are or who we're married or not married to. that's true too.

Christina, thank you. I love you. Your friendship and love has shown me God’s love. Sometimes (many times) (all the time?) I don’t need words. I just need to be still and know that I am loved.

if walled in climb up said...

Hello, Miss Cara, how are you? Has anything become clearer lately? I'd love to catch up. When is a good time to call? Love you. : )

Things are a bit clearer. I’m just about ready to pick up the phone again. Little steps.

Gratitude

2008-07-11T16:32:00.003-06:00

Hi friends, I will write more later, though I'm not sure when I'll have a chance. This forthcoming post will be dedicated to you. I am thankful for each of you in so many ways. Just today my dear friend Christina sent me the image below. Yep, I'm lucky to have you.

Untitled 1

2008-06-25T18:01:00.006-06:00

I have great friends.

I'm back at square one.
I graduated and then visited Portland and then nothing.
I loved Portland; don't get me wrong.
I just have cold feet. Or wet feet? What's the expression?
I'm not excited about anything. I don't have peace about anything.
This is how I felt two years ago and then one year ago and then six months ago, and I thought I'd be past this phase and moving on.
Instead I make lists in my head of what I can do. What could possibly make me excited and happy.
But maybe it's not about being excited and happy.

Nanny, au pair - in Boston, Argentina, anywhere, I don't know.
Flight attendant
Hall director, if a spot becomes available
AmeriCorps, preferably I'd live in a cabin and clean up trails in Alaska.
Coffee shop, bookstore, library, record store while I apply for graduate school
Teach English in another country, preferably in Central or South America
Get married and stay at home
Teach high school Spanish
Foreign service

I really like my job right now.

My friends don't seem to want me to leave the DFW area.
I was always supposed to leave, though, wasn't I?
I wasn't supposed to have a community, a group of friends to leave behind.
So what's more important: community or locale?

Pros to community:

Support
Real friendship
Something to do on the weekends
Possibility of meeting guys
Comfortable
A group to love

Cons to community:

Drama
Less time to pursue my own hobbies and interests
DFW
Away from my family
Don't want to choose with whom to live

Pros to a new locale:

Fresh start
Not DFW
Chance to make new friends
I seem to feel happier in other cities (Barcelona, Colorado Springs, Portland).
I love travel.
I always saw myself out of Texas after graduation.

Cons to a new locale:

No support
Probably wouldn't be near my family
Saying goodbye to friends
Moving
Difficulty finding friends, meeting guys
Loneliness

Where does this leave me? I don't know.
I'm probably going to move in with my aunt in Florida in five or six weeks.
I guess I probably won't come back.
I'd like to get my shit together. Get my thoughts straight. Start life again.

My best friend got married last weekend.
Nobody told me that weddings are really the most beautiful, joyful funerals in disguise.
So I was left with this realization the night before the wedding.
No time to say goodbye.
And I know we'll always be friends.
Always and forever, cross my heart.
But now she's a newlywed, and later I'm in Florida. And then what?

I'm lonely.
I'd like a boyfriend.
But the timing is all messed up.
I found myself eating a late dinner with two guys I once dated last weekend.
Just the three of us.
It made me thankful that we can be friends.
So what do I want in a future partner?

Loves God
Loves me and treats me real well
Loves others

Also, these qualities would be nice:

Makes me laugh - a lot
Beard
Encourages me in my search for truth
Encouraging
Similar interests and hobbies
Good communicator, good listener
Loves travel and adventure
Sexy
Great with kids
Intelligent
Goofy
Kind, compassionate
Searches for truth
Honest, sincere
Makes me want to be a better person
Strives to be a better person
Tells me sweet things
Touches me sweetly
Is proud of me
Humble, not loud or flashy
Forgiving

Can you make yourself have faith?
How many times must I question and doubt?
I'm tired of this battle.
I've been here before. Too many times.
I never want to give up the battle.
It means too much to me.

I want a pet.
I want an old Carmengia.
I want to know that there is purpose in the struggle.
I want clear skin.
I want to be motivated to get out of bed everyday.
I want to have lots of babies one day.
I want my own wedding.
I want faith.

Thanks for listening.

This I Believe

2008-06-16T21:41:00.002-06:00

I submitted an essay for NPR's This I Believe a month back or so. I got my rejection email the other day. Here's my essay. I don't feel much like writing on here these days. I don't feel much like anything. This too shall pass.

This I Believe

I believe in the importance of human relationships.

When I was a little girl, my mama told me she loved me every night as she tucked me in and rubbed the hair around my face. My daddy let me sit in his lap after dinner, taking bites out of his rocky road ice cream. Twenty-something years later I tell my parents I love them as I hang up the phone. I’ll stroke the hair next to my face when I feel lonely. I’ll think of my dad when I order rocky road.

When I was a little girl in Sunday school, somebody told me that Jesus was my friend and that he loved me. That he desired a relationship with me. I used to hug my pillow, pretending it was Jesus, when I was sad. Sometimes I still hug my pillow, but it’s harder to believe that Jesus desires a relationship with me.

When I was younger, I wanted to be liked and popular. I wanted dozens of friendships and maybe, if I was real lucky, a successful relationship with a boy. I stopped desiring that a while back. Who wants dozens of friends if you can have a few close friendships? Maybe it’s not so important to be popular anyway.

So I left for Barcelona in my third year of college. I didn’t need friends; I didn’t need to be popular. I had my books and my journal and the metro and the winding streets. Barcelona was going to be about me, not about relationships. I met a few girls on a tour the first day I was there. They asked for my phone number. I guess they wanted friendship. Clearly, they didn’t know that I had my books and my journal to keep me company.

I didn’t desire friendship, but friendship found me in the form of the three girls who asked for my number on my first day in a city far, far from home. And my books and my journal couldn’t keep me company on days when I felt so, so homesick. On days when I wanted to be back in bed with my mom stoking my hair, with my dad patting my back. And my books and my journal couldn’t make meals with me and laugh with me and cry with me.

I believe in the importance of human relationships.

I’m about to move again. And I’ll have my books and my journal, but I haven’t fooled myself into thinking that they can keep me company. Human relationships are irreplaceable. And maybe that’s why it’s harder to believe in Jesus when I all I have is a pillow to hug. Maybe that’s why it means more for me to feel my mom’s soft, weathered hands against my face. Maybe that’s why we were all placed on this earth. These messed up people, made to love one another.

What I Had for Lunch (in Portland)

2008-05-16T12:39:00.003-06:00

Blogging from a cafe up the street from my hosts' apartment. Drinking a raspberry Italian soda. I've had a pretty perfect visit to Portland.

Monday: I got in late and took the red line from the airport to downtown. My hosts C and G met me with their pug, M, and the four of us trekked the few blocks to their place, a cozy apartment on the Northwest side of town.

Tuesday: Wandered around the neighborhood with G, talking about how he's managed to be unemployed for a year - something he's proud of. Something I admire. We stopped in a Trader Joe's so I could buy my groceries for the week. Went back to the apartment, and I had my cereal for breakfast and got ready for the day. Walked downtown to Powell's Bookstore, the largest new and used bookstore in the world. Wandered around there for a few hours, picking up gifts for friends here and there. Writing down book titles that I want to check out from the library, rather than buy. Then I sat in their cafe, drinking an Americano as it rained. I wasn't sure if it was okay if I ate my lunch there. My lunch that I packed and didn't buy from the cafe. I decided to go for it. Lunch was salmon out of a can, scooped out with sweet potato chips. Mm, delicious. After Powell's I walked across the street to a couple of thrift stores. Couldn't find anything I liked on me, but I picked up a couple more little gifts. Then I made my way back up to my hosts' place. They invited me to go secret shopping with them so we could all get a free dinner. I said yes. Free pizza in Lake Oswego, this beautiful, green suburb of Portland. Maybe I could live in Lake Oswego. Maybe I could live in Portland.

Wednesday: Went with G and Pug to the library in the morning. This time we talked about politics and Ron Paul, among other things. Wandered up and down 23rd, as C recommended. Tons of cute shops and boutiques. G and I ran into his friend B, and B and I got lunch at some market/grocery store type place with a cafe. Lunch was pasta and a fried artichoke heart and a white mocha. Mm, delicious. Lunch was overpriced. B was a nice fellow, but I was ready for him to leave, so I could sit with my book and people watch for a while. Take everything in. This trip has shown me just how introverted I am. When did this happen? I have a friend and acquaintance and a friend of a friend in town who would be happy to grab coffee or a meal with me, and I am completely content wandering around by myself. I prefer this actually. I think my body and mind are still decompressing from the last four years.

Anyway, I sat with my mocha and an M&M cookie, reading. And then my goal was to use public transportation to make it to the other side of town for some good thrift shopping, as recommended by Heather. I rode the bus, making a couple of transfers, and made it to my destination, Hawthorne neighborhood. Tons of independent shops, barber shops, restaurants, thrift stores, etc. Bought a couple dresses at one store. Walked up and down Hawthorne, taking everything in. Some kind man told me there was a resale store about ten blocks down; all the proceeds go to charity. On my way there I walked through the Laurel-Hurst neighborhood. Beautiful little homes. Beautiful little gardens. Beautiful little children with their beautiful little families. A little boy showed me the white chalk on his hands. A little girl asked me if I want a flower. I said yes and tucked it behind my ear. I found the resale store and bought a few pieces of jewelry for friends. It's going to charity after all.

I left the neighborhood and decided that I was hungry and didn't want to wait to get back to the apartment. I wanted sushi from the next sushi restaurant I saw. I found one two buildings later. Sushi and reading, and then I decided to make my dad proud and order a taxi to take me home instead of using public transportation after dark. The driver from Somalia told me more about the different neighborhoods and cost of living in each. I could live in the hood and rent a 4-bedroom home for $800. I could live in the Hawthorne/Woodstock area and rent a 2-bedroom home for $800. I've got to get a roommate, and I probably need to stay out of the hood. By the time I got out of the shower, my hosts were back, and we watched The Devil's Playground, a documentary about the Amish rumspringa, a time when Amish adolescents go out and experience the real world before being baptized into the church. Really interesting. Sad.

Thursday: Cereal for breakfast. Then my goal was to make it to the probation department to inquire about potential jobs. Got in, and the director of internships should call me today and send me a package. I don't really want an internship, but it's a start. I've picked up lots of social service information here and there. I'm hopeful I'll be able to get a job doing social work, but I'll have to work for it. I don't want to settle, either. I want to be a counselor. Preferably a group counselor. I'm good at what I do; this I am certain. Will these Portland folks know this, though? After trying to get a job with The Man, I sat in a park across from the courthouse. Lunch yesterday was tuna out of a can, scooped with sweet potato chips, and an orange. Then a nap in the cool grass and shade. Walked the 30 blocks back to my hosts' neighborhood, taking a different route. Now I've seen the Pearl district, the NW, the SW, China Town, Burnside, etc. etc. etc. I stopped to get gelato and read. Oh, I forgot that I also got gelato on Tuesday. Whatever. I'm on vacation.

C and G and Pug and I made a traditional Guatemalan meal for dinner and went out for drinks afterward. This is probably the best Couchsurfing experience I've had. Wonderfully real, kind, interesting people who have opened up their home to me. I would love to be friends with them when I return in the fall. C has already invited me to stay with her as I look for a place to live. And their dog! I'm in love.

Friday: Sorry, most boring blog entry ever!! This is the stuff that belongs in my little black journal, but I haven't been writing in it. And I haven't been taking pictures. So I thought I'd sit in a cafe this morning and write a boring entry, mostly for me. Today I'm going to wander up to another park and to a rose garden. And tonight I'll see Mason Jennings play. What a wonderful trip. I wanted to read and relax, and I've done both of those. I also wanted to do a little work on getting a job, and I did that. I wanted to visit a church, but I didn't do that. I was going to go to a home group on Wednesday night, but I found myself on the other side of town, craving sushi. I've looked a lot into this emergent church thing. It seems real cool, and that might be its problem. Maybe it's too cool. Maybe I just want another boring church, where most of the people look different and older than me, and a few older women take me in and teach me to crochet. But maybe I want a hip, young group of believers. And we can talk about music and movies and try to out-cool one another. I don't know what I want. But I know that I love this city. I wasn't set on loving it. I was sort of looking for an excuse to not love it so I could take my job at IDT and live in Dallas. Do the safe thing. But I can't deny it; I want to be here.

But first I want to get on a flight tomorrow and come home to my dearest friends.

See Cara text.

2008-05-08T13:35:00.005-06:00

I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about graduation and completing this chapter of life, but I'm not quite ready to sort through them. Maybe next week in Portland. Maybe I'll be thinking and feeling for a while, and I'm okay with that.

Anyway, the purpose of this post is to share what I hope is a hilarious story. Even if you don't laugh, I've been laughing for quite a while now.

So, I wrote about Dude a couple of posts ago, the dude I was seeing. "Special friendship" with Dude came to an end a week or two ago. It was a great ending with no regrets. Sad, but not too sad. And a sadness that didn't last. Mostly I've felt just fine, which is sort of a first for me after special friendships come to an end.

I digress; I guess I just wanted to put all of that out there for, gosh, anyone who reads this.

One of the things that has probably made this ending easy is that Dude and I hadn't talked since said ending. That was a first for me too - not trying to jump right into a friendship, and it seems to be working out well. But we talked today. Just a nice, friendly conversation. Nothing to write home about. It was hard to say goodbye because Dude was traveling, and reception was bad. So, after calling back a few times just to wrap up the conversation, Dude sent me a text. Something to the tune of "Know you don't like texts, but desperate times... Bye." Not as abrupt as that. Cordial.

So it was my time to respond. And, gosh, I hate texting. I'm not that good at it. It's so burdensome for me to type on the keypad. And I never know what to say. Okay, Cara, think quickly. You've got to send this text and then brush your teeth and head to lunch. Okay, what to say? Keep it short, friendly. "Okay, see Cara text." Like 'See Spot run.' That's sort of funny. Allude to the fact that I'm no good at texting. "Bye Dude." Short, to the point. "Play well." Friendly, sincere. Okay, ready to send.

"See Cara text. Bye Dude. Play well."

And he responded, but I didn't respond. No time! Too hard! I'm feeling good. Nice little conversation with Dude. We can be friends. Blah blah blah.

And then Dude calls 30 minutes later. "Um, Cara, I keep getting that text you sent. I'm getting it like every five minutes." Oh, shit! What have I done? How do I make it stop? "I'll just turn off my phone and turn it back on. I don't know what to do. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry."

How embarrassing. "See Cara text." Okay, he gets it! Oh, the irony. So I troubleshoot (i.e. turn off my phone), and pray that the problem is solved. I go on to get lunch with my supervisor, and Dude calls halfway through lunch. I'll ignore that. I'm at lunch. After lunch I listen to my message: "Uh, Cara, I've gotten the text ten more times. I've called AT&T, and they think the problem is on your end. Maybe you can give them a call?" Not as abrupt as that. Cordial.

So I call Dude back. Get AT&T's number. We laugh. And I call AT&T, and I spend I don't know how much time talking to three service representatives to troubleshoot the problem. The problem is that God has a sense of humor, and that this is my life. I love it.

I think the problem has been solved. Crisis averted. And a story to show for it.

Set List, Then Bed

2008-04-30T23:42:00.005-06:00

The Avett Brothers in Dallas, Texas on April 30, 2008

1. Shame
2. Signs
3. New song about time machines
4. Die Die Die
5. Paranoia in B Major
6. When I Drink
7. Pretty Girl from Dallas
8. Talk on Indolence (reminds me of Heather)
9. Left on Laura, Left on Lisa (reminds me of Tahj)
10. The Ballad of Love and Hate
11. I Killed Sally's Lover
12. And It Spreads - new song
13. The Weight of Lies
14. Pretty Girl from Cedar Lane (I think; not sure about this one.)
15. Salina
16. Hard Worker
17. Please Pardon Yourself
18. Go to Sleep

-Encore-

19. Murder in the City
20. Pretty Girl from Chile

So Much to Say

2008-04-20T16:10:00.004-06:00

But I'll keep things short.

Found out that I'll have the Office Manager position again this summer. Man, what a great gig. Last summer I would wake up early, clean the kitchen, pour myself some cereal, and sit in front of my computer, catching up on blogs, before going into work. I hope to do that again here in less than a month. One day I'll be an okay blogger again. Just not today.

Gosh, Grandbabies, I'm about to graduate from college. That's a big deal, I hear. I think I'll just wake up one morning, walk across a stage, and that will be that, though. How far I've come since high school. As I approached graduation from high school, I felt so accomplished. I sort of had my shit together, and I was sort of proud of the person I was. I have these mixed feelings as I get ready to graduate this time around.

Awakening was successful, blah blah blah. The Recycling Committee is successful (by no work of my own), blah blah blah. My Honors presentation was great, blah blah blah. We made some great strides with Living Wage (more information to come)! Every now and then I think for a split second that I have my shit together, and I'm sort of proud of what I'm doing. But mostly I feel like a big, fat mess.

I've turned in a lot of stuff late this year. Skipped a lot of classes. It has not been pretty. And I guess I'm okay with that. I just wish my closet weren't so messy.

So, the question of the hour: What am I going to do after graduation?

Well, I've got my summer job lined up, and I think I'll also play piano and train for a triathlon and take some yoga classes and be a kickass maid of honor for my kickass best friend and read a lot. And after this summer I want to move to Portland, Oregon and do social work there for a year or so.

Um, let me take a moment to say that I have some really wonderful friends and family members and professors. I'll leave it at that. I've also been hanging out with this dude lately. I don't know a lot, but I know that I should get used to being cared for and supported. Not necessarily by this dude - just by dudes in general.

Okay, wow, I'm almost an adult. Well, shit.

An Exercise in Self-Esteem

2008-03-20T17:05:00.004-06:00

Did you know I'm leading a women's group on sexuality at my internship? Well, I have been since November I suppose, and I like it. I do an exercise with the women on self-esteem, and I've yet to practice it myself. The women write down five things they like about their physical appearance, five things they like about their personality, and five of their accomplishments. Here you can view my lists.

Physical

Eyes and lashes and eyebrows - that whole eye area
Teeth and smile and lips - that whole mouth area
My belly - Oh, it's so soft and good.
My bum and legs
My hands and fingers and fingernails

Personality

Honest
Empathetic
Loving
Funny/goofy (sometimes)
Forgiving

Accomplishments

My relationship with my dad
Studied in Barcelona for a semester
Graduated 3rd in my high school class
Voted best personality and best attitude and friendliest and most dependable in high school
I'm good at what I do at my internship.

So, I made those lists, but you can't see all the negative things that went through my head as I thought about my body and personality. I want to write those down for you, but I guess that would defeat the exercise.

And what does it even mean to accomplish something? That was probably the hardest category for me. We're trained to create resumes, but my faith tradition tells me that none of that is important. Even more, none of that is me.

Beautiful friends and strangers, what do you like about you?

What comes to mind when you hear the word "diversity?"

2008-03-04T23:34:00.002-06:00

The first thing that comes to you head is what I'm looking for. Please, go here to respond. Many thanks.

A Few Things, Perhaps a Bulleted List

2008-02-29T14:21:00.007-06:00

As I was telling Martha, I feel like I'm in such a blogging limbo. I don't really mind that I'm not writing on here as much. I just feel real inconsistent about reading and commenting.
I don't think I'm writing on here as much because I've created other outlets. Mainly, a private Lenten blog. And conversations with God and to myself on the way to work four days a week. So whenever I come here, I just want to share silly, superficial stuff.
I also created a Social Work Diversity blog for my Generalist Practice with Diverse Populations class. We were told to create a journal that could take on any form, from a traditional journal to play dough creations. I made a blog. I submit it to my professor next week, and I'd love it if you left some comments on there if you feel so inclined. Thanks, friends!
I recently applied to have a band out of Indianapolis write an album about me. This could be the most narcissistic thing I've done. Ever. I just think it would be so cool to have a whole album about Cara P. floating around out there. They could write songs like

"The Girl Who is Afraid of Giant Slugs Wrapped in Hair" or
"The Girl Who Slammed Her Face Into Concrete While Riding Her Bike" or
"The Girl Who Only Shaves Four Times a Year" or
"The Girl and Her Beloved Pearl: An Ode to the Girl's Station Wagon" or
"A Girl in Southern Spain" or
"The Girl Who Makes Too Many Bulleted Lists"

Or, they could just cover this Sufjan Stevens song that was clearly already written about me. Click here to hear the song and see what you may or may not think is a funny video.

Super Sexy Woman

She's a superhuman girl
She is superwoman
She is Superman's cousin
She's got superpower loving

She's got superhuman eyes
For seeing through superhuman vision
She's got superhuman thighs
Sexier than television

She is super duper smart
I like her for her mind
She'll shoot a super fart
The deadly silent kind

She's got superhuman lips, for super suction
She's got superpower hips, for super reproduction

She's a superhuman girl
She is superwoman
She is Superman's cousin
She's got superpower loving

She's got superhuman eyes
To see through superhuman vision
She's got superhuman thighs
Sexier than television

She's a lot like Catwoman
Just without the leather
She likes whips and chains
And an electronic feather

She's got a super long tongue
And spandex underwear
She's got a Superman smile
And Wonder Woman's hair

She's a superhuman girl
She is superwoman
She is Superman's cousin
She's got superpower loving

She's got superhuman eyes
To see through superhuman vision
She's got superhuman thighs
Sexier than television

She is Supergirl, Superwoman, Supersexywoman

A Belated Valentine

2008-02-17T22:21:00.003-06:00

Concerts This Spring

2008-02-10T12:30:00.000-06:00

*This means I'm for sure going, or at least I'd really like to.

Doug Burr, Dove Hunter, Friday, February 15, Double Wide (in Dallas)
The Black Lips, Sunday, February 24, Good Records (in Dallas)
*The Octopus Project, Thursday, February 28, Lola's (in Fort Worth), $12
Built to Spill, Saturday, March 1, Riglea Theater (in Fort Worth), $18
Beach House, Saturday, March 8, Hailey's (in Denton), $10
Castanets, Sunday, March 9, Rubber Globes (in Denton), $5
*Phosphorescent, Monday, March 10, Good Records
*Bowerbirds, Phosphorescent, Sarah Jaffe, Monday, March 10, The Cavern (in Dallas), $8
Islands, Wednesday, March 12, Hailey's, $12
My Brightest Diamond (opening for Cloud Cult), Wednesday, March 12, Granada Theater (in Dallas), $10
Yo La Tengo, Saturday, March 15, Dallas Museum of Art
Jens Lekman, Sunday, March 16, Granada Theater, $14
*Doug Burr, Saturday, March 22, Lola's, $6
Okkervil River, Saturday, April 5, Granada Theater, $12 (Thanks for the heads-up, Heather. Totally bummed that I'll be at a retreat, so I can't make it to this one.)
Xiu Xiu, Thursday, April 3, Lola's, $12
B.B. King, Saturday, April 5, Billy Bob's (in Fort Worth), $20
*Le Loup, Wednesday, April 9, Lola's
Feist, Wednesday, April 16, Palladium Ballroom (in Dallas), $25
Caribou, Monday, April 28, The Loft (in Dallas)
The Avett Brothers, Wednesday, April 30, Granada Theater (Thanks for the heads-up, Christina and Heather.)

Now, who's with me!?

Until We Meet Again

2008-01-08T01:59:00.000-06:00

Thank you for all of your kind comments below. Sincerely, thank you.

I think I'm going to step away from my blog for a while, for no particular reason other than I feel like it. I'll do my best to keep up with yours, though. Earlier today I had over 100 entries to read, according to my Google Reader. Now I'm down to 53.

I want to write more letters, reply to more emails, make more phone calls, see people in real life more.

I want to start everyday on my knees next to my bed. Or maybe on my toilet, but then on my knees next to my bed.

I want to walk around campus for about 30 minutes everyday.

I want to do sit-ups and push-ups and read a little bit of the Bible and read a little bit for fun and write a little bit in my journal and wash my face and brush my teeth every night.

Everyday I want to do the right thing, do my best, and help someone. This is my dad's recipe for going to bed happy. I think I'll try it on for size.

Beginning now.

I'll see you when I see you, Blogspot.

RIP, CS

2007-12-19T02:28:00.001-06:00

I don't want to tell you that my friend passed away last weekend.
I don't want to tell you that my dad's skin cancer came back.
I don't want to tell you that my dad moved to Tennessee.
I don't want to tell you that I don't know if I believe in God.
I don't want to tell you that I feel alone right now.
I don't want to tell you that he makes me so, so angry.
I don't want to tell you that it's cos I care for him so, so much.
I don't want to tell you that I hate Christmas time.
I don't want to tell you that it's hard having divorced parents.

My heart longs for a simple time when I can tell you everything I want to tell you.
My heart is breaking.

And thus concludes the first semester of my senior year.

2007-12-15T02:18:00.002-06:00

It seems I had a lot of thoughts on the rainy drive home from Dallas tonight. I'd like to capture them all and release them onto this white screen. Stop them from floating around in the space between my ears.

I'm so glad this semester is over. It wasn't pretty, but it kind of was, you know? This has easily been the hardest semester of my life. Yet, maybe it was my favorite? I wasn't depressed, at least not really depressed, and that was so nice. I was just sort of consumed with school stuff.

Gosh, what a poorly written blog paragraph above. Oh well, I'm keeping it. I'm really ready to be done with school. I've sort of set myself up to be Head RA and in charge of this and that and make a 4.0 in Social Work and blah blah blah, and it's all too much, and I want out of it. I feel like I've spent the last 21 years trying to live up to somebody's expectations; I'm just not sure whose. I'm one semester away from meeting those expectations, and then I'm making a different life for myself.

Ah, a life of mediocrity and simplicity - how I long for you. Who knows? Maybe you'll bore me after a month or a year or some change, but right now you sound so, so nice. I want to work 40 hours a week and make a car payment and live in a house with a roommate or two and eat breakfast every morning and read every night and read the newspaper and not look at Facebook and walk around my neighborhood and wash dishes and cook meals and play piano and write in my journal and I guess I'll leave it at that before it gets too complicated again.

I've thought for awhile that being the best and doing this and that to make my dad proud would make me happy, but I don't think I work like that. And I think my dad will be proud of me no matter what.

This probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me. I'll try to wrap up these ramblings.

I'm really proud of myself for surviving this semester, and I know my family and friends are proud of me too. I'm looking forward to the next stage of my life, and I'll be there in one semester. I don't want to wish away college or this time or anything. The truth is I really am ready for the next part of my life. I'm sure I'll look back and be thankful for this time of learning, these friendships, being challenged, etc. etc. etc.

Unrelated: I've been crying a lot lately. Concerts, movies, at my internship. It feels good to cry. Also, somebody asked for my number tonight. How does this work? Do guys actually call girls up and ask them out these days?

I'm going through and cleaning my room, getting ready to go home for winter vacation, and it feels so good to clean and organize. Maybe I should look into being a housekeeper. I just love the way it feels to make something look so nice and clean. Man, I'm going to be a killer wife and mom one day. That, or my cats are going to love how clean our house is, and I'll be that crazy cleaning cat lady.

Um, thinking about being a wife brings forward a lot of thoughts about sexuality, but I probably shouldn't write about that on my web log. Not sexual thoughts; just philosophical musings. I'll leave you with this.

I want this car:

I want this boy:

Iron & Wine Set List

2007-12-11T00:58:00.000-06:00

Love Song of the Buzzard
On Your Wings
Pagan Angel and a Borrowed Car
Peace Beneath the City
Innocent Bones
Upward over the Mountain*
Carousel
House by the Sea
The Devil Never Sleeps
White Tooth Man
Boy With a Coin
Sodom, South Georgia*
Woman King
Wolves (Songs of the Shepherd's Dog)
Resurrection Fern*
Flightless Birth, American Mouth
The Trapeze Swinger*****

*These songs were particularly moving. The others were pretty good. There's my detailed review of the Iron & Wine show that took place on December 10, 2007 in Dallas Texas.

Thank you, freak memory, for helping me remember the set list.
You're welcome, Cara. Any time
Maybe help me out on my Spanish final tomorrow?
Por su puesto

A Lil' Updizzle

2007-12-05T22:21:00.000-06:00

Pearl is dead. She died about three weeks ago on my way to work. She was so good to me, and I miss her and that little chihuahua that hung from her rear-view mirror.
Thanksgiving was lovely. I love each of my family members so much and for different reasons. I needed that break.
My internship is incredible. If I lived in the area, I would continue to come in every day over winter break. Work full time for no pay. They want me to run a women's group on sexuality. I don't know how I'm qualified to do this, but I do know that I love those women and that they need education on the subject.
Turns out I've actually been an okay RA this semester, which makes me happy. I love this job, and I've felt real guilty all semester for being so busy and unavailable to my residents. However, I got really positive feedback on my RA evaluations and lots of cookies and cards from my residents on my birthday. I think they like me. They really like me. Name that quote.
Speaking of my birthday, it was a really nice one this year. I ended up writing eleven pages for a social work journal the morning of my birthday, and I spent my afternoon and evening writing ten pages in Spanish for a class. I went to class all day, I saw Martha for the senior graphic design show, saw other friends there, and had an RA meeting. It sounds kind of lame, but mostly I just felt happy and loved and sick of writing most of the day.
I also got some killer gifts. I about doubled my DVD collection thanks to Christina and Laura and Lindsay (Stranger Than Fiction, The X-Men trilogy, and season two of Sex in the City). My aunt gave me this Robert Plant and Alison Krauss CD and the most softest and wonderful bath robe in the world. My grandparents gave me $50!! And I got lots of cookies and some cards from my residents and the other RAs. I hope I'm not forgetting any gifts. Oh, I also got some bath stuff from Christina and Laura, which they said was my "funny" present, which I guess means I'm supposed to "bathe more" or something. Anyway, I don't mean to brag about my gifts, but I'm just so thankful for my friends and family. 22 feels okay I suppose.
I don't know if I can convey how academically demanding this semester has been. I feel like every Sunday I hit this place where I feel like I can't do everything I need to do, and I just want to give up (school, that is) and cry. A lot of Sundays I do cry. And then Monday morning comes, and then it's Friday afternoon, and I've made it through another week. It feels so good to be almost done with this semester. Next semester is supposed to be easier for social workers I hear.
I'm going to shave my legs. I guess it's been a couple months.
Right now I'm a sick little puppy. Symptoms include sore throat, runny nose, sneezing, coughing, nausea, fever, and aching all over. I'm very heavily medicated (seventeen pills just today), and I hope whatever I have goes away soon.
It feels good to be completely over exes and not romantically like anyone at the moment. That's not to say that guys I've dated in the past aren't swell fellows; I guess they're just in the past. Many times this year I've asked God to mold my heart, and it took time, and I tried to be patient, and I was resistant many times, but here I am now, and I guess I've been here for a little while, and it feels good.
I guess I'll shave my armpits too.

Sometimes it's easier to fill these things out, you know?

2007-12-02T00:26:00.002-06:00

There's such a fine line between having the blues and having a senior social work schedule (i.e. 25 hours/week at my internship, 18 hours/week as a head RA, honors project, 15 hours of classes). Maybe I'm complaining. Maybe I'm bragging. Mostly I'm just trying to say that I'm tired and ready for a break. No, not a break. I'm ready to be done and not have to come back.

I'm pretty bad at this blog thing. Forgive me if you write about 20 posts before I get around to reading and commenting. I have such a love/hate relationship with web logs. On the one hand, this is how I keep up with so many of you and feel like I'm connected to you. On the other, I question my motives for writing for so many to see. I don't like living my life in front of a computer screen. I want to live in a world without phones and computers and poking and comments. I can create that world anytime I want. I don't want to just yet, though.

I've stolen some questions from some friends' blogs. I'll answer what I like, thank you very much.

2) Where did you go on your last vacation?
Tulsa

4) Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
I can't really picture it. Where do you see me in five years?

6) How many speeding tickets have you gotten?
Zero

9) What do you think of the iPhone?
It makes me think of all the things I don't need.

10) What do you think of winter?
It is the mystery of the quotient.

14) At what age do you plan on having kids?
20s or 30s

17) Do you keep your closets organized?
Yes

20) If you moved out of state where would you go?
Portland, New Mexico, Colorado, Chicago, New York, Canada, Chile, Brazil, Argentina, Barcelona, Granada, Berlin, Iceland, India, Africa

Maybe one of those places

23) What do your shower curtains look like?
White plastic

25) How do you make eggs?
Scrambled, omelet

26) Where do you wash your clothes?
Martha's

29) What are your thoughts on Tom Cruise?
I used to have a crush on him. Gross

30) What is the next vehicle you wish to buy?
One that doesn't exist: standard, hybrid, Audi, great gas mileage, white, hatchback - all of those in one

32) What would be the best gift someone could get you right now?
I'd like the Sigur Ros film.

34) What is something in your home that you collect?
Records

38) What is the oldest thing in your fridge?
Applesauce

39) On your keyboard what key is wearing out from pressing it so much?
The space bar

42) How old will you be in 2010?
24

43) What actor/actress would play you in a movie?
Minnie Driver

47) If you were starving to death would you eat a pet?
No

48) Ever been to Alabama?
I was born in Opelika, Alabama
................................................................................

When is the next time you will kiss someone?
I think I'll wait until I've learned some more about myself and I know some about the person who is kissing me.

Last movie you saw?
Watched Elf with some residents and friends tonight. Seen a lot of movies recently. Loved No Country for Old Men.

Are you happy right now?
I think so.

What was the last museum you went to?
The contemporary art museum in Barcelona? Has it really been this long?

What are you listening to?
Today I listened to Antony and the Johnsons and The Good Life and The Arcade Fire and Okkervil River and Appleseed Cast and Grizzly Bear.

If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
Somebody to be my big spoon when I go to bed tonight

Who was the last person to send you a text message?
Christina

How do you feel about your hair right now?
How would you feel about a mullet?

Do you have any expensive jewelry?
My mom's wedding wing

Where does most of your family live?
Tennessee, though they're spreading out

Do you drink beer?
Not too often

Who do you miss?
Ozzie

Do you have any talents?
I can remember long lists of words.

Ever met someone famous?
John Vanderslice

Do you want to be famous one day?
Sort of, but mostly no

Ever been to Disneyland/world?
No

Last thing you cooked?
French toast

Do you like anyone right now?
Perhaps, but mostly no

Letter to My Grandbabies

2007-11-11T02:36:00.000-06:00

Grandbabies,

I feel like writing to you tonight. It's late, and I'm listening to "The Triumph of Our Tired Eyes" on repeat. I think it helps me to write.

Let's see; I'm 21, and if all goes according to plan, I'll graduate from college next May. This has been such a crazy semester. I'm unbelievably busy. I'd like to think that I'll never be this busy again in my life, but I probably will be. Probably busier at times.

I'm happy this semester. Perhaps the first semester I don't feel depressed. I get so busy I don't really have time to think about me and my future. It seems like I should be doing a lot more reflecting.

Last Sunday I found out that my Dad had skin cancer. I hope you have a chance to meet Dad. He is a good and strong man, and I love him very much. I cried in the shower the next morning. An uncontrollable, guttural cry. I knew that Dad was going to be okay. I guess I just hadn't cried in a while. I cried because I love my dad, and I don't know what I'd do if something were to happen. I cried because I've been sick for a couple of weeks. I wanted to be strong, but the truth was that I felt like crap, and I wanted my family to be near to take care of me. I cried because I felt overwhelmed with school assignments. I cried because I felt broken.

I've felt broken before, but there was something different about this brokenness. There was something so freeing about admitting to myself and to God that I did not have myself together. There was hope in the brokenness. How can God put you back together again if you don't allow yourself to be broken? There's something so freeing about not being perfect.

Grandbabies, it's okay to fail, okay? It's okay to find yourself weeping in your shower on a Monday morning. God, I just want to hold you and tell you that it's okay. This world isn't as it should be. I watch my parents get older, and it scares me. It's not going to be perfect. We just have to figure out a way to live in the brokenness.

Monday afternoon I found out that all of the cancer was removed. My dad is just missing a little piece of his nose now. Wear sunscreen, grandbabies.

So, I'm graduating in six months, and I have no idea what I'm going to do. Part of me, a big part, wants to go far, far away. There's so much to see that I haven't seen. Part of me is afraid to go. What if I get sad again and I don't have my family and friends around? I could be in the most beautiful city in the whole world, but if I'm sad, that means nothing.

So what makes me happy? Loving others. Travel. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. Being in a relationship. Being proud of the person I am. Friends. I think those sort of get at it. A while ago I wrote down possible things I could do after graduation:

Peace Corps
Flight attendant
Graduate school - New York, Chicago, California, Oregon, New Mexico
Social work - in any of those places
Tour guide abroad
Mission work abroad
Teach English in Latin America
Work near friends - Dallas
AmeriCorps
Social work abroad
Travel
Foreign service

That's exactly what I wrote down in my black journal on July 26, 2007 at 12:54 pm in the airport on my way to Colorado. Not a lot has changed. Numbers 2, 4, 8, and 10 have worked their way to the top of my list. Those were never in order; I just wrote them down as they came to me.

My dad asks me almost every time we talk if I've thought anymore about what I'm going to do after I graduate. It frustrates me because I have thought about it, but I don't have answers. Over winter break I'll apply and apply and apply. I'll trust that everything will work out and I won't just go back to Longview and have a quarter-life crisis.

No, that won't happen. If all else fails, I've been offered a job at my current internship, and my internship happens to bring me indescribable joy. In fact, I'm tempted to accept because I know that I would be fulfilled by my work. But does Texas fulfill me? These are all questions that will be answered in time.

Grandbabies, I'm 21, and if all goes according to plan, I'll graduate from college next May. I'm not perfect. In fact, I'm quite broken. Most days I'm just trying to be a good person and do the best I can do. Some days I know I should try, but I don't. You mean the world to me. Please wear sunscreen.

Your Nanny

P.S. When I was real little, I used to call my grandmother Nanny. As I got a little older, I realized that my cousins all called her Granny, not Nanny, so I started calling her Granny. Sometimes I wish I had kept calling her Nanny. Sometimes I forget that I will never see her again in this life. Sometimes I miss her.

This is a fun game.

2007-11-03T22:09:00.000-06:00

Thanks, Anton! This proved to be just the website I needed on a sick Saturday night. I'll provide you with a couple widgets. For the first I decided to use one of the prettiest (least ugly) photos I have, hoping to come up with some hot female celebrity matches. For the second I used what I think is a pretty average photo of me. It's so hard to tell what you normally look like, you know? Sometimes I wish I could see me as others do. Not that I think that you see me as prettier or uglier than I do, just differently and more objectively. If you take the time to do this yourself (and I know you will), please let me know who you look like.

http://www.myheritage.com/collage

P.S. Kelly, you're right; I do have an Evangeline Lilly smile. Aw, that makes me happy.

Violence and Babies and Faith

2007-11-03T17:17:00.001-06:00

There's been a lot of stuff I've wanted to blog about in the last couple of weeks but not a lot of time. As a result, you're about to read three blog posts in one. I'm sorry. You're right; you should just stop reading now. In an attempt to help any of you who may want to continue reading at least part of this, I'll divide my thoughts up into sections, and you can read what you want: Statistics on Violence, Babies: I Want One!!!!, and Thoughts on Faith.

Statistics on Violence

Through my internship I had a chance to go to a gang and youth violence conference a couple weeks ago, and it ended up being so interesting. I took a lot of notes, and I'd like to share some pretty staggering statistics with you. I know that statistics can be skewed, so take these with a grain of salt.

Gangs are the number one threat for homeland security.
The US makes up 1/6 of the world's population, but we have 50% of the world's illegal drugs.
Each child lost to drugs or alcohol cost tax payers $1.7-2.3 million.
On average, people smoke eighteen years before they stop.
Texas ranks number one in drunk driving fatalities.
The average age of first time marijuana use today is 9-10; in the 70s it was 19-21.
The US has the highest rate of incarceration in the world.
Our prison system is the third largest employer, after Walmart and GM.
Of the babies born today, one out of seventeen will spend time in prison, one out of six Hispanic American babies will spend time in prison, and one out of three African American babies will spend time in prison.

Babies: I Want One!!!

This video was shown at the conference, and it was really moving. You might know that I don't really post videos here, but I think this one is worth a minute and a half of your time. One of the speakers at the conference talked about the importance of the first 33 months of a baby's life (that's the 9 months in the womb and the first 2 years). Science has already shown that so much brain development happens in this time, and this includes personality development, including empathy, self-control, and our ability to solve problems. These are the things that prevent us from killing each other.

After the conference I couldn't stop thinking about my future babies and how I want so much to hold them and love them. My mom was fortunate enough to be able to stay at home when my brother and I were little, and she talks about how much she loved us, just held us and talked to us, how we were the world to her, and I honestly believe these first few years of unconditional, tangible love has shaped who we are today. Please, let me be the first to admit that there are huge flaws in my personality. These are the flaws that come with being human, that come with troubled years, that come when I do what's easy instead of what's right. Mixed with these flaws, though, I can find love and empathy, self-control and forgiveness. Thank you, Mama.

All of this is to say that I want the same for my kiddos. I've been so focused lately on school and social work, the future and traveling. When I think about these things, I don't really factor in a family. And that's okay because I don't really want my own for several years. But if I'm honest with myself, I think having my own family to love will bring me more joy than the most prestigious social work position (that's an oxymoron, I know) or traveling the world over, and my feminist friends and my dad who wants me to make a lot of money might be sad to hear this, but I would be completely okay with staying home and loving on my kids full time. And while I'm making these outlandish statements, let me also say that I think there is so much beauty in a submissive wife. Blasphemy, liberal-minded Cara! Well, I think there is, and one day I will cook and clean for and hug and love on my family.

Thoughts on Faith

Last weekend I went to Chicago for an interfaith conference. I've been involved with TCU's Interfaith Council for four years, and like everything I've been a part of over an extended period of time, I've had very mixed thoughts about it. This trip, though, marked a time of clarity and peace, of confidence. It was strange not doubting everything I've ever believed. Even stranger being able to say with some degree of peace that I am a Christian. A couple summers ago I started chronicling my faith story in this here web log, but left it prematurely to write about Europe and Barcelona. I think I'll come back to my story over winter break.

Scattered Superficial Thoughts

2007-10-22T23:03:00.001-06:00

Hmm, *strokes chin*, I sort of want to go to the ...And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead show this Friday in Denton at 6:00 pm. Yeah, it's an early show. Would you like to join me?

There's too much to do this weekend. I've got to get ready for Chicago. I'd like to go to a costume party or three. Any costume ideas? I don't have a lot to work with. I could be: hole punch Cara, a baked potato, Quail Girl... That's all I got.

There's a Castanets show in Chicago. Would anybody recommend going to see them? All I know is that they're on the same label as Mr. Sufjan.

I really liked The Darjeeling Limited. It was a beautiful film, and I'd like to see it again.

Is that all I want to share with you? That sure is a bunch of superficial stuff. Earlier today I felt like I was coming up short in a lot of areas. That feeling comes and goes.

Oh, one more superficial thing: is anyone going to the Fun Fun Fun Fest in Austin? There are quite a few artists I'd like to see. I think I'm going to write an email to Gorilla vs. Bear requesting a free pair of tickets.

I shouldn't go out of town so much. It's just there's so much I want to do.

Also, a Survey

2007-10-12T21:37:00.002-06:00

What is going on? Two posts in one night? No way. I happen to like writing about myself and filling out these little things, okay? I guess that's why I started a blog.

Jobs I've had:
Babysitter
Worked the cash register at a cafe downtown
Coffee barista
Children's Ministry intern
Resident Assistant (RA)
Office Worker in Sherley
Transcription work for a professor
Teach For America intern
English as a third language teacher in Barcelona
Office Manager for Conference Housing

Places I've lived:
My mother's uterus
Opelika, Alabama
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Longview, Texas
Fort Worth, Texas
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Barcelona, Spain

Foods I love:
Sushi
Ice cream

Places I'd rather be:
Oh gosh, "rather" is such a strong word. Here goes.
New Mexico
Chicago
Colorado
Los Angeles
New York
Portland
Canada
Andalucia, Spain
Brazil
Argentina
Guatemala
Chile
Africa
Iceland
Heaven

Movies I love:
The Royal Tenenbaums
American Beauty
That Thing You Do
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Anchorman

TV shows I love:
The Office
Arrested Development

Books I love:
Mere Christianity
Catcher in the Rye
Of Mice and Men
Middlesex
Animal Farm
The Alchemist
Life of Pi

Do me a favor, and tell me in comment form all the cool stuff we have in common. Or just tell me the most embarrassing job you've had. Thank you.

Things That Keep Me Pretty Busy

2007-10-12T21:04:00.000-06:00

Doing this for me and my grandchildren. Sorry if it bores you.

Internship - 25 hours a week
Head RA - Paid for 18 hours, but I did the math and I only work about 12.
Classes - 15 hours; I like most of them. Could do without my Spanish class. It happens.
Awakening Retreat leader - Here's a shameless plug: Christina, I really think you'd like it. I hope you and Laura can go. It's next weekend.
RUF - We're doing a study on dating and sexuality this semester. I don't really like topical studies, but I do like (and sometimes don't like but need) to hear the Gospel, and I like to sing things I try to believe. If you have a hard time believing something, do you sing anyway? Is it being dishonest? Is it trying to mold your heart? I'm not really struggling with this presently; I'd just like your opinions.
Comedy writing - I like to write alright, and I think I'm funny in a unique, non-funny kind of way.
Interfaith Council - Hey! They're sending me to Chicago in a couple weeks.
Hall Council co-advisor - Part of my duties as head RA
Wesley Foundation - Free meal, Lindsay, and some other sweet girls. That's really all there is to it.
Sensless Acts of Comedy - I'd sort of like to be a host for the show, and I think they maybe sort of kind of in a real small way want me to help host too.
Phi Alpha president - It's the social work honor society.
NASW TCU - Stands for National Association of Social Workers.
Living Wage Movement - We're making some huge strides this semester and really think all housekeepers and groundskeepers will receive a living wage in the next month. If you're an alum and want to know a real easy way you can help, let me know.
Heal Hunger Campaign
Recycling Committee
Honors project - Haven't really done too much on this lately.

I think that's it. It's good for me to write it out and see how much it is. I've been exhausted this semester. I kept thinking I'd get used to everything and the exhaustion would go away, but there are no signs of it going away anytime soon. I'm becoming okay with the exhaustion, though. I felt sort of guilty for a while, like maybe I was lazy or it was a symptom of depression and I needed to address it before it spread, but I really think it's what happens when a person is in college. I mean, ya'll are pretty tired too, right?

I'm happy with what I'm doing this semester, even though it's a lot. I guess if I had my druthers, I'd probably quit my RA job. Not because I don't love it; I just don't think it's fair to my residents for them to never see me. I have to hang on to the job, though, 'cause I can't really afford housing. Everything else I really like, so, while I stay busy, it's a busy that I enjoy.

What I don't enjoy, though, is not having a lot of time for other things I enjoy (i.e. reading, watching movies, playing piano, biking, swimming) and not having the time to better keep up with friends and family. I also don't like going to bed at 7:00 on a Friday night, waking up to blog, and going back to bed. That seems pretty lame.

Hello October

2007-10-06T11:04:00.003-06:00

We meet again. This is the 21st time, no? Doesn't that seem strange? In all my life I've only experienced October 21 times. October, don't screw up this year. I want this to be a good meeting. I don't really have anything in particular to write about. No anecdote or embarrassing story. I just feel like I need to write for myself.

Here are some things that make me happy:

My car. Hands at ten and two, windows down, open highway. When there isn't any traffic, I'll talk to myself and to God. Get some perspective. Get my thoughts straight. I'll also sing in my car 'cause the radio doesn't work. Mostly I sing "The Star-Spangled Banner" and "Come Thou Fount." I've got to get some new material. Sometimes I'll pronounce signs I pass in a British accent. Gosh, I can't do accents. Have me try one for you sometime. You'll be sure to laugh. Sometimes I'm embarrassed by my car, but mostly I feel real lucky to have her.
American Apparel tops at T.J. Maxx for $3. Building my professional wardrobe by shopping at thrift stores for Banana Republic and Gap hand-me-downs. The other night I went shopping with Christina and Laura, and I bought two sweaters, two button-up shirts, two skirts, two pairs of athletic shorts, one nice top, one dress, and one necklace for $20.50. I realize this is bragging, but it made me happy. It's nice to be able to dress nicely and not have to spend a lot of money. I like dressing nicely for work. Who would've thought? I guess it's just a change and makes me feel older and professional. I even do my makeup and try to wear my hair down.
My internship makes me really happy. I'm good at what I do, at least for an intern. They've let me start running groups on my own, and I get to meet individually with clients for counseling. The internship is so humbling. I'll be worried about this or that - these insignificant little things - and then I'll enter this other world, this world that is a reality for so many. My worries melt away, and it's all about showing Client K how much I care for her and love her. I know she's scared 'cause in two weeks she'll be out of jail and out of the program and back in her home with her drug-using husband. How is she supposed to stay clean? She knows this and she's so, so scared. She's worried that her kids will grow up resenting her. I just want to hug her and make everything alright. But I can't. We live in a world where kids are taken out of homes, where counselors are sued for touching clients, where you probably won't stay clean after a three-month intensive day treatment program. All of these things break my heart each day I go into work, so I try not to think about them. I try to simply love the men and women I work with and have hope that the program really is making a difference, even if it's only for a small percentage. Most of the people with whom we work really do want another life for themselves, but they have so much to overcome once they get out. How do they get a house with their criminal record? So they go back to their only friends for a place to live - their drug using friends. How do they get employment? So they begin selling again. I digress, and these are things that do not make me happy. My internship, however, makes me very happy believe it or not. I'm proud that I've chosen social work as a profession.
Caramel Sundae Crunch ice cream. It's Blue Bell.
Cleaning and having a clean room. Once I get started, I really enjoy the simple movements of wiping down counters and mirrors, the inside of the refrigerator, everything. And I love the way I feel waking up to a clean room. It's just hard for me to start cleaning sometimes. I associate my room this semester with fatigue. It's the place I come after a ten-hour day at my internship. I come physically and emotionally drained, and I just want to crawl into bed and watch The Office or Arrested Development, preferably with something sweet in hand. After I finish writing this post I'm going to clean. Hold me to that, please.

Things that make me sad:

These dreams I've been having lately. He chases me for hours in my sleep, and I can't get away.
Not having a special someone. This doesn't make me sad too often. Most days I'm too busy to think about not having someone, but sometimes when I slow down, I wish there were someone to share the slower moments with. Right now I don't want marriage or commitment. I just want a hand to hold as I walk around campus. Or maybe a shoulder to lean my head on as I watch a movie on a Friday night. Luckily, acorns line the ground, and lately I've been focused on going out of my way to crunch them. You can't really do that if you're holding someone's hand. Also, my friends let me cuddle with their pets during Friday night movies. Sometimes I do get sad, though.
Sometimes I don't like the person I am.
Having to spend $40 a week on gas to make it to and from my unpaid internship. It's a good thing I'm making the big bucks as an RA. Speaking of, I feel like I've sucked as an RA this semester. It just seems like there's more I could do for my residents, but by the time I get home, I don't particularly feel like working my second job.
Not having the time to keep up with everyone I want to keep up with. Also, ending sentences with prepositions.

I'll leave it at that.

ACL 2007

2007-09-17T23:40:00.001-06:00

Thank you Austin City Limits 2007 for Spoon and Bjork and Andrew Bird and Damien Rice and Arcade Fire and The National and Regina Spektor and The Decemberists and, oh my God, for Arcade Fire. I know I already mentioned them, but they were just that good.

I think the following albums have changed me in some small way. They just don't get old.

The Arcade Fire, Funeral
Broken Social Scene, Broken Social Scene
Crooked Fingers, Dignity and Shame
Iron & Wine, The Creek Drank the Cradle
Jeff Buckley, Grace
Led Zeppelin, Houses of the Holy
The Notwist, Neon Golden
Okkervil River, Black Sheep Boy
Pixies, Doolittle
Sigur Ros, ()
Sufjan Stevens, Illinois
Ugly Casanova, Sharpen Your Teeth

What can you listen to through and through, over and over again, forever and for always?

I want to write more about music, but not tonight. I may come back and write more on this post, or I may write a new one sometime, or I may do neither.

Sweet dreams for now.

The Erstwhile Peregrinations of an Ingenue

2007-09-11T10:47:00.001-06:00

I noticed in Spanish class the other day that I have the same bangs as my professor. This is the same guy who has a unibrow.
I started my internship last week. In my first day I cried twice and threw up on myself. Honestly, it was a great day.
I hosted a girl from South Africa the other night. She's eighteen and traveling the States until her money runs out. I want that for me. Every time I think I should stay near after graduation, I am reminded of who I really am.
Fall Break is coming up. I think I want to go camping in New Mexico or Arkansas or Alabama or Tennessee or near Austin. I want there to be guitars and stars and sunrises and sunsets and roasted marshmallows and scary stories and singing and laughing and hiking and late-night board games and good meals and good conversation and days without showering and jumping from cliffs into a river.
I'm going to Austin this weekend for ACL. I'll get to celebrate Usagi's birthday too.
The other day I had one of those senior moments. I was walking from the cafeteria to the classroom at my internship, and I had just met the women probationers with whom I will be working. All of my expectations and assumptions and presuppositions melted away, and it was just they and I. The twelve meth users and the 21-year-old intern. And they were warm, and something in their eyes told me they already loved me and that I already loved them. I looked away because I started tearing up. It all hit me, you know? I am 21, I have this dream internship, somehow I've made it to my fourth year of college - don't ask me how that happened - it's all happening. I felt blessed, truly blessed, in that moment.
I've been averaging three episodes of Arrested Development a day lately.
I'd like to eat healthier. I guess less ice cream and more vegetables. And not because my belly is wonderfully soft, but because I need more energy.
I have mom legs. When did that happen? I noticed earlier this summer when I was trying on bathing suits. There are those purple veins and dimples. I don't mind; I'm just not sure I have the legs of a 21-year-old.
I love walking lately. Not rushed, not to get to my destination, not to really think about anything deep and important. Just to walk and breath deeply and take in everything. Sometimes I'll look up just in time to see a yellow butterfly or a leaf fall from a tree. I think my favorite is to walk to the grocery store, walk up and down every aisle of the grocery store, and walk home with a few new items.
I love my car, and I want to take better care of her.

Four Four Four Four

2007-09-05T20:10:00.002-06:00

Four First Names of Crushes I've Had:
1. Adam
2. Patrick
3. Josh
4. Jim

Four Pieces of Clothing I wish I still owned:
1. This one pair of navy slacks I bought at Ross or some store like that back in like tenth grade. I only wore them once before I lost them.
2. An old white, three-quarter sleeved cardigan. It had stains and holes, but I wore it with everything until my mom and best friend from high school convinced me that I should get rid of it.
3. My great-grandmother's brooch
4. My blue volleyball spandex

Four Names I've Been Called at One Time or Another:
1. Cha Cha Rita
2. Caca
3. Carapie
4. Bitch

Four Professions I Secretly Want to Try:
1. I want to be the person who picks music for films.
2. Seamstress for a band
3. Conan O'Brien's personal assistant
4. Ambassador to the United Nations

Four Musicians I'd Most Want to Go on a Date With:
1. Kid Rock

2. Chad Kroeger, lead singer of Nickelback

3. Lance Bass of N*Sync fame

4. Gene Simmons

Four Musicians I'd Really Most Want to Go on a Date With:
1. Sufjan Stevens

2. Jack White

3. Kevin Drew of Broken Social Scene

4. Tunde Adebimpe of TV on the Radio

Four Things I'd Rather Throw than Eat:
1. A basketball
2. A rock
3. A baby
4. A shoe

Four Things I Like to Sniff:
1. Gasoline when I'm filling up my car
2. My pits to make sure my B.O. isn't too overpowering
3. Pipe tobacco (good answer, Martha)
4. The way it smells outside when it's cold and you can tell people have fires in their fireplaces

Four People I'd Like to Tag:
1. Jesus
2. Hitler
3. Paris Hilton
4. Michel Gondry

Well, I got my hur did.

2007-08-29T21:24:00.000-06:00

I haven't cried about it yet, but it wouldn't surprise me if there are tears later.

This afternoon I went back to Gold Star Beauty Salon and Barber Shop. I went there at the beginning of the summer to have my hair cut. I knew it was a risk: a $12 cut on the north side of town. But I was willing to take the risk. After all, it was voted editor's pick best barber shop in 2004, and if its barber shop was good, the beauty salon had to be good, right? Angie, the owner, cut my hair quickly and with such confidence, and it ended up being the best hair cut I've ever received. I couldn't wait until I could go back and support the little shop again. I usually only cut my hair once a year, but for $12 I knew I would want to go back every few months, especially if I knew I would be getting a good cut.

So, it had been a few months, and my hair was starting to get thick and clownish on top, so I decided earlier this week that I would go to have my hair cut again. Angie had given me long, swoopy bangs a few months ago that had grown out, and I wanted shorter, more obviously bangish swoopy bangs this time around.

I pulled up in my station wagon to Gold Star Beauty Salon and noted on the stickered window that on Wednesdays cuts are only $10. This is awesome already. I enter, but I don't see Angie around. The woman walks to a chair and picks up a one of those covers to put over your shirt. I guess Angie's not coming out. I guess this lady will cut my hair. No problem - I just need a trim and some bangs. The woman doesn't speak English, so I explain in Spanish what I want, and she starts cutting, quickly and with the same confidence as Angie. Again, the cut is great.

Then it's time for my bangs. I can tell she's nervous. She trims off about a millimeter. I say (in Spanish), "No, it's okay. I want bangs. Here, like this picture," and point to a photo. So she cuts off another millimeter. Mind you, my bangs are about at my lips at this point. "No," I explain again, "I want them to fall right below my eyebrows and sweep to the side." About 30 minutes later and several millimeters later, my bangs are at my nose. I explain again where and how I want them. She sweeps them to the side and asks, "Like this?" I tell her that will be perfect. Then she cuts. Her exact words were, "Whoops, you have hair of Chinese woman. When you cut, it goes up." The right half of my bangs are now about a centimeter above my eyebrow. That is not below my eyebrow. That is not swoopy. And, yeah, when you cut, the hair goes up! I didn't realize this was a Chinese woman thing. Being good at math, being a bad driver, sure. But having hair that gets shorter when you cut? I thought that was pretty universal.

She then spends another hour or so trying to do damage control, but to no avail. In the end I didn't care that the bangs were too short, I just wanted them to be straight, and she couldn't even do that. My bangs literally make a V-shape on my forehead. And they're layered, but with no pattern. There's a shorter layer underneath and a shorter layer on top. Finally, she gave up and said, "It's okay, no?" I just wanted to get out of there, so I forced a smile and said, "Yeah, it's okay." She knew it looked hideous, so she kept repeating, "Lo siento," as she brushed stray hairs from my body. I could tell she didn't know whether she should charge me or not. I had never had this kind of experience, so I didn't know if I should pay or not. In the end I asked how much I owed her. She said $10. As I handed over my $20, I looked into her eyes and saw how disappointed she was. I don't know what came over me, but I told her to keep the change.

I walked out with the worst haircut I've ever received, and I gave the woman a 100% tip. What is wrong with me? I was supposed to go to the activities fair and some activism barbecue, but I couldn't be seen in public, so I went straight to Lindsay's to see if there was anything she could do. There wasn't. She kept saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I kept telling her it was alright. I went back to the dorm and saw the hall director and a few RAs in the office. They laughed at me. They laughed right to my face and turned away when tears started coming to their eyes. I went up to my room to find a headband.

A couple hours later we had a fire drill. Afterward there were some more RAs standing around, so I took off my headband and told them of my experience. They didn't laugh immediately, but the four maintenance men standing several feet away started laughing. Hello? Do they realize I can hear them? I turned to them and said, "Even those guys are laughing!" and one of them responded, "Do you know the difference between a good haircut and a bad haircut? Two weeks!" They laughed some more, and one of them said, "That's going to be a long two weeks."

I'm serious. I couldn't make this stuff up. Tomorrow I'm going to call and see if Angie is in and go back to see if she can clean it up. At least make it even. Until it grows out, bobby pins are going to be my new best friends.

The end. I don't know if this story has a moral.

Ferris Wheel at Navy Pier

2007-08-22T13:42:00.000-06:00

Written for my Creative Writing class a while back. I was afraid to post this until now. Still am afraid.

Two kids, boy and girl
Or maybe they’re man and woman
Long hair, old camera, big white sunglasses
The sun is fading, colored lights all around
They wait.

Two tickets, faded and torn
But they’re like gold to young lovers
Long line, turnstile, old black man
He takes their tickets, children all around
Their turn

Two seats, facing each other
But they squeeze side by side
Rickety seat, swinging legs, torn blue jeans
The ride is starting, buildings become small
They climb.

Two sets of eyes, one brown and one green
Or maybe they’re hazel
Long lashes, sweaty palms, short of breath
His hand falls to hers, silence all around
They smile.

Ten Things

2007-08-17T23:54:00.001-06:00

-You BLOG 10 things about you that are seldom known, strange, etc...
-You then note in the blog 10 people that you will "tag" to play the next round.
-DON'T FORGET to go to those 10 folks profiles and let them know they've been tagged!

1. My ears aren't pierced. I don't want to pierce anything or get a tattoo.
2. I smoke cigars on occasion. Also cigarettes and pipes. I wouldn't call myself a smoker, though.
3. If I had to live in one state the rest of my life, I think I'd choose New Mexico.
4. I used to tap and do ballet and be in gymnastics and run track and play volleyball, basketball, and softball. I was pretty good at gymnastics, and they wanted me to compete with a team, but I decided to quit because I wanted to play softball, and they wouldn't let me do both.
5. I've never had a cavity.
6. I jumped off the high dive when I was two and a half.
7. I competed on the UIL Spelling and Vocabulary team for three years. I wasn't good at all, and I didn't enjoy it, but I loved the teacher who sponsored it, and I couldn't tell her no.
8. I have hair on my toes.
9. I'm pretty sure I have dandruff. I notice flakes when I wear black shirts. I use a Target brand shampoo that's supposed to be like Head and Shoulders. I'm not sure if it even works.
10. Sometimes when I lie in bed at night, I hug my pillow and pretend it's my future husband. My future pillow husband doesn't have a name or face (except sometimes the face and name of Jim Halpert), but it hugs me back and kisses my forehead. I lay my head on his ribcage, and we drift off to sleep together.

Leave something about you in a comment, please.

July Twenty-Fifth, Two Thousand and Seven

2007-07-25T21:47:00.000-06:00

I don't want to cry anymore, but maybe there's healing in the tears. Right there, as they fall from my chin to a shoulder. That's what the healing looks like.
He treats me well, and he makes me happy.
Tomorrow I leave for Colorado at 5:00 am. It'll be my summer vacation. I'll arrive in Denver, breath in the mountain air, and wander the city all day with my backpack and books. At dusk I'll take the Greyhound to meet my friend from Barcelona. We'll have a great weekend.

An Update of Sorts

2007-07-18T22:20:00.000-06:00

I've started writing a post about my roommates, past and present, and how they've influenced me, but I don't feel like finishing that tonight. I've also been meaning to write about the pressures of being a girl in the southern US. This balance of looking pretty, but not using too many products. Maybe it's not just the south. I digress; I'll probably come back to that one later. What I want to write about tonight doesn't really have to do with roommates or beauty. I just want to write a little about me.

I've been out of the blog world lately. Time is just passing so quickly. Can you believe it's July 18? A few days ago I looked at this Summer 2007 to-do list I made at the beginning of the summer. It was depressing how little I've actually done. Granted, a lot of that stuff on the list is school-related, and I'll get around to it eventually. But, there was a lot of little stuff on there that I wanted to do that I haven't. Yoga comes to mind. And volunteering at the Samaritan House. So, I'm going to start looking at my list everyday and trying to do some of those things. Like practicing piano, #29.

I bought some used piano books the other day and have been practicing. Did y'all know I used to play piano? I did for about a year and a half before I broke my finger. Playing piano has been real relaxing for me. I think it awakens this other part of my brain that I'm not used to using. I'm not really good at all. I'm actually practicing out of a Level 1 book right now. Level 1 is the lowest level too. Piano books work sort of like those terrorist threat levels.

I'm just realizing lately how much there is that I want to do and how few hours there are in the day. I don't want to overwhelm myself, but I want to make time for me and what's important to me, and maybe that's piano. And maybe that's taking a nap. And maybe that's trying to be a good friend.

I feel like I wasn't the best friend to my friends the last couple of years. Let's go ahead and blame it on me. I'm trying to make up for that. I've realized (and I've always known) that I have some pretty amazing friends in my life, and I'm very lucky to have you. Sometimes throughout the day I think of this and smile and whisper "thanks" to whomever is listening. The one who put you in my lives.

Um, that's probably enough rambling for one post. I'll just leave you with this confession:

I officially ran out of underwear today, and I don't have enough quarters to do my laundry. What's a girl to do? I think I might wear a pair of shorts under a pair of pants tomorrow. Shorts are sort of like boxers, right? And boxers are sort of like underwear. That's my reasoning.

Some Lists for My Day of Independence

2007-07-04T07:31:00.002-06:00

Thanks, sweet Martha.

1. WHAT WERE YOU DOING 10 YEARS AGO?

Let's see; that would make me 11. Summer after 6th grade. I can't remember that summer. I'll tell you about 6th grade. I made two friends that year, Katie and Camay. They were my best friends, and I still consider them some of my closest. We would eat lunch together everyday, take turns messing with Camay's hair or gushing about boys. I wanted to be at the popular table. But you can't always have everything you want, and for this I am eternally grateful. Camay and Katie, if you're reading this, I love you.

2. WHAT WERE YOU DOING 1 YEAR AGO?
I was in Philadelphia. We had the 4th of July off. We ate burgers by a pool, and I wanted to be home.

3. FIVE SNACKS YOU ENJOY.
frozen grapes, watermelon, spoonfuls of peanut butter, homemade rice crispy treats, chocolate chip cookies right out of the oven

4. FIVE SONGS YOU KNOW ALL THE WORDS TO.

"Any Man of Mine" by Shania Twain - This is a little embarrassing, but I learned it for some Talent Friday for music class back in 4th grade. That was one of my first cassette tapes. I probably have most of those songs memorized.
"Come Thou Fount"
This song that a friend gave to me recently
"Tiny Dancer" by Elton John - My mom always said this was my song. She played it all the time when I was little.
"Hey Ya"

5. FIVE THINGS YOU'D DO IF YOU WERE A MILLIONAIRE.

Fill up my car with gas
Buy some more cereal
Give most of the money to my mom and dad
Give some of it to church
I'd probably still find a way to worry about money.

6. FIVE BAD HABITS.
procrastinating, judging others, going to bed without brushing my teeth (I don't know why I've been doing this recently), tardiness, putting myself before others

Pretty much any bad thing that a person can do I do, and the sad thing is sometimes I convince myself I'm a good person.

7. FIVE THINGS YOU LIKE DOING.
lying in bed and watching Arrested Development or The Office, walking Ozzie, my friend Christina's dog, washing the dishes and wiping down the kitchen counters, seeing live music, seeing the world - in my car or in other people's eyes

8. FIVE THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER WEAR AGAIN.
Ah, I'd wear anything again. Ya'll know this. I really have no shame. My dad asks me to dress like I'm not a vagabond about once every two months.

Party Animal

2007-06-25T22:16:00.000-06:00

Who is this Cara who suddenly has stuff to do on the weekend? It all started a couple weeks ago with my friend Joe's birthday party. We went to the Flying Saucer for drinks. Beer, specifically, as it is the only thing on the menu. I'd like to acquire a taste for beer, but not for $7 a glass. It was fun sitting on the roof. It felt perfect outside. All in all a good night with good friends.

The next night his birthday celebration continued with a party at Brittney's apartment. I brought stuff for margaritas. I'd like to perfect the margarita. And I'd like to be able to make a great homemade spaghetti sauce. And good cookies. Those are probably the most important things to be able to make. Anyway, Joe's birthday night is growing fuzzy, but I remember having a great time. One of the best parties I've attended. Size and closeness of the group is important in these matters. I'd say seven is a good number.

The next week we celebrated Juneteenth at Pete's house. The highlight of the evening came when this guy Andrew put on Broken Social Scene's "It's All Gonna Break." I had just the right amount of red punch in me to know that everyone had much more in them and to not be afraid to sing and dance. The dance floor (living room) cleared to make way for the rock stars. The three of us that knew 60% of the lyrics and could play air guitar. I opted to play air trumpet at the end. In the end we were all sweaty, and I had earned Andrew and Pete's respect. And, really, what more could you ask for?

Fast forward through boring work. Stop at this weekend. Christina and I make the drive into Dallas to lay out by the pool with Martha and her friends. I made margaritas and cookies. I think Saturdays are meant to be spent in the pool with alcohol and friends. What else could they possibly be made for? Oh, cooking a nice salmon dinner and sitting out on a porch smoking cloves, you say? Well, we did that too.

And the next day we celebrated the birth of Jamie. I had the best time walking through Montgomery Street Antique Mall, looking for stuff that I thought Jamie would like. He's fun to shop for. The day of his party I slaved in the kitchen making a carrot cake and yellow cake. Whew, those boxed recipes are hard. Then we played volleyball at his party. Sadly, my right forearm is sore today. Um, there was not too much else to his party. Just good company and more cloves on a porch. And then a ride back to Keller with Kelly and to bed for me.

I've really enjoyed getting to meet all of Martha's friends. They give me hope for life after college. They're like 25, and they're still pretty hip and with it. And they don't even seem to mind my company.

This blog entry seems pretty boring. I've been bored writing it. Publish it anyway? Okay. Future grandchildren, I only published this so you'd know that I went to a few parties in my four years at school.

And, little ones, remember, there's no hope with dope.

I'm feeling good.

2007-06-17T22:56:00.000-06:00

What an interesting name for my blog. A couple years ago I said that a lot. "I'm feeling good." When things were stressful or I had to make a decision: "I'm feeling good. It'll all work out." And I believed it. I was happy. Nathan told me I said that a lot. It was our inside joke, if you can call it a joke. I think he liked it. The way new boyfriends like all those little things you do until they become old. When they really get to know you, they will run. I think those are Pedro the Lion lyrics.

Anyway, I got a Myspace page a couple summers ago, about the time that I was saying "I'm feeling good" a lot, and it seemed fitting that it would be my little tagline, and I haven't changed it. I like some constancy in my life, even if it comes in the form of my Myspace tagline. And it seemed fitting that "I'm Feeling Good" would be the title of my blog, even though I started this blog a year after my Myspace and never really said it anymore. What else did I say of note? Nothing really.

So, I've had this incredibly ironic blog title. For the last couple of years I haven't felt good. I've felt a combination of the opposite of good and nothing. That isn't completely true. There have been some very nice times, but for the most part I haven't felt like me. I can blame it on a dozen things that have happened to my family, to me. I can blame it on me. My attitude and relationships with God and family and friends. I can blame it on a chemical imbalance. Some hereditary disorder. At the end of the day there's no blame. There just is. And I was depressed.

There, I said it. The D word. I don't mind talking about it, but I don't particularly want to type about it for all to see. Not tonight anyway. If you want to talk, I'd love to. Preferably over coffee. But you have to tell me your story too. I want to hear it, even if it doesn't involve the D word. Everybody has a story to tell. Sometimes they just need someone to listen.

Why am I writing all this? Because, friends, tonight I'm feeling good. And it's not just tonight. I've felt it for a while. Dare I say about a month? I just feel really content. I feel like myself again. I don't know what's working. It could be your prayers. The prayers you lifted on my behalf when all I could do was moan. It could be the little green and blue pill I take every morning. $1 a day for happiness. A small price I'd say. It could be slowing down. Not worrying about classes. It could be the changing of the seasons. Fall and spring are bad for people prone to depression. I always thought it was winter, but it's fall and spring. I don't know, but something's working, and I really thank God for that.

It seems like there's more I wanted to write about, but I'll leave it at that.

Sometimes when I walk into a room and there's nobody there, I think that the rapture has taken place and I've been left behind. I used to say a little prayer. "Jesus, you know I believe in you, right?" I wish I'd never read those Left Behind books.

Good Day Brand Macaroni and Cheese Only $0.39

2007-06-11T21:02:00.002-06:00

That's like $0.15-$0.20 per meal, depending on if you get two or three out of the box.

I love living in an apartment. I love walking to the grocery store every few days and picking up a new box of cereal and milk and some fresh fruit. I love making my lunch and packing it in those little plastic containers. What are those called? I love waking up early to wash the dishes my roommates have left out, unload the dishwasher, and wipe down the kitchen counters. (Mom, I'm sorry I'm just now discovering this love.) I guess I love playing mom. I get this little taste of being an adult, and I like it. I hope it lasts. It seems nice to like cooking and cleaning. My roommates seem to like that I like it anyway.

Last Saturday I was still a little sick with whatever I caught at the sushi place in Dallas, but I was tired of lying in bed, so I got up and cleaned the apartment. I scrubbed the toilet, washed the sink, cleaned the mirror, swept. Dishes, kitchen, everything. I even walked outside with an old towel and bottle of 409 to wipe down the interior of my car, Pearl (What do you guys think of the name? I still need to get a photo.), but quickly retreated back inside once a wave of heat and nausea came over me.

I'm glad I didn't have the chance to give Pearl a bath, though, because it gave me a chance to discover this 2004 Star Telegram editor's pick best car wash online. All Seasons Car Wash: outside, windows, and carpets for $10.95. Now, I know that's like a pair of jeans if you shop the way I shop, but the car is really dirty, I'm not looking forward to vacuuming her, and it'll give me a chance to support local business. I called to ask about hours, and the lady sounded real friendly. I'm going to try to take the time to get to know and support local businesses more. Not sure why. It just seems like the right thing to do for some reason.

What are all these tangents I'm going on? As I made rice crispies treats for my roommates last night, I thought about what it is that makes me happy. Do I need to travel and do social work and have some important position? What if I just want to be able to walk to the grocery store every day, prepare a delicious meal, and keep a clean house? Can I have both?

Maybe. I do know, though, that when my kids are little, like before the age of five, I don't want to do anything but love on them full time. Kids' personalities are formed during that time, and I want to have the most loved, spoiled brats on this planet. Kidding about that last part. But, knowing that you're loved shapes your personality and confidence in the most positive way. Man, my poor kids: I love them so much already, and they're not even here. I'll probably be one of those moms that makes them wear matching jumpsuits, and I'll wear one too. Actually, that's a pretty sweet idea. I'm thinking red track suits, a la The Royal Tenenbaums.

Okay, enough of this rambling. I'm grabbing my fifth rice crispies treat square of the day and lying in bed to watch an episode of Sex and the City.

"Hey, check out this documentary my friend Anton is filming in London!"

2007-06-10T20:48:00.001-06:00

Some Thoughts That Came to Me as I Walked Ozzie Today

2007-06-07T20:18:00.000-06:00

But first let me tell you about Andreas. Poor Andreas. He came to Fort Worth on a day that I was feeling sick and tired. He was nice enough. And made dinner for seven of my friends and me. Oh, but he was a talker. I don't care about the nine different career paths you have with your economathematics major. I don't want to go to a bar with you. I'm sick. I don't want you to touch me when you come home drunk at 2:00 in the morning. Sure, I'll pick up your suitcase first and come back for you three hours later. Sure, I'll bring your suitcase to you when you need it. Sure, I'll wake up an hour early to drop you off on the other side of the town and won't hold it against you when you decide not to go.

Okay, I'm done venting, Andreas. The truth is I'm just bummed that I felt so nauseous while you were here. I'm glad you're gone now, and I wish you had cleaned up after yourself. Okay, now I'm really done venting.

The day after Andreas left I felt even more nauseous. Last night I was in bed by 8:30 for a full twelve hours of tossing, turning, and holding my head over a trashcan, waiting for the vomit to come that never did. Whenever I'm sick, I always want my Mommy. All these memories, blurred together and made up. A bed on the couch, chicken soup, Mom rubbing my hair.

When I was a little girl, Mom would rub my hair at night. My bangs right near my forehead. She said sometimes she'd come back to check on me, and I'd be rubbing my hair myself. Sometimes at night I still lie in bed and rub my hair. There's something about it that's so comforting. I wish Mom could've been there last night to rub my tummy.

I felt better this morning and woke up early to take Ozzie for a walk. I just love opening the door, and there she is waiting for me. I take a seat on the couch and pet her for a few minutes, telling her how much I love her. And then we're off for our adventures. We'll run and walk and poop and pee. I encourage her each time she marks her territory. I swear, that whole apartment complex belongs to her.

Today I was thinking about how much I love that silly dog and how I want her to know how loved she is. This led me to think about how I want to love a boy, or maybe a man. When do boys become men? I want to make somebody feel big and strong and capable of all their dreams and loved. Purely loved. I want to tell somebody that everything is going to be okay, wrap my arms around him, and transmit all the love in my body to his. No, all the love in my soul to his. Souls go deeper than bodies. And in return I want a man to tell me that I am big and strong and capable and loved. Together we can build each other up. Together we can be giants.

But maybe humans aren't meant to be giants. And maybe I'm wrong for wanting to be somebody's god. Maybe I'm supposed to look at someone and see how frail and broken and human he is and show him how frail and broken and human I am, and in this brokenness we will just be. And we will love each other in spite of the brokenness.

I tried to tell Ozzie all of these things, but she just pooped and tugged on her leash.

His name is Andreas, and he's from Germany.

2007-06-05T16:48:00.000-06:00

And he's waiting for me to pick him up at a bar downtown, and he will spend the night in my room.

He contacted me through couchsurfing.com and needed a place to stay because he's coming through Fort Worth for a day. I said yes. I guess a way to pay back Jair and Cirilo for hosting me in Amsterdam and Paris. Don't worry; I'll stay in a roommate's room who is working a conference tonight, and I'll lock her door.

If I survive, I'll tell you more about my adventures with this Andreas chap, and I'll tell you about my weekend too because it was stellar.

Family

2007-05-31T19:58:00.000-06:00

Last weekend I was in Longview for Colin's graduation. The day of Colin's graduation Mom packed up a U-Haul to move to Tulsa. I woke up late and got into the shower. By the time I got out there were ten football players in the house, and all the boxes and furniture was moved in a matter of minutes. That's the way to move: have a son who is respected by the football team. Mom's family also came in to help. Her younger brother flew in all the way from Hawaii to be there for her, and her father, Booboo, made the five and a half hour car ride in excruciating pain (his back is messed up). Nini and Aunt Cecily were also there. That's what family does.

This move was bittersweet. Mom's wanted to get out of Longview for a while now. Cost of renting an apartment will be better. School system is better. New start. But it's hard to move when the reasons are financial, when bills are piling up and the job you love isn't enough. Mom needed help, and her family was there. Her sister is a rock for her. Her parents love her. Kelsey, my little sister, has been so supportive. That's what family does.

I watched as the U-Haul pulled out, followed by Mom and Kelsey, Cecily in the minivan, and Nini and Booboo. I tried not to cry in front of Kelsey, but I couldn't help it. I was so overcome by love and gratitude. It was such a beautiful sight to see my Mom's family come to help her, to wrap their arms around us and love us. It's the end of an era. No more Mom in Longview. No more apartment.

Dad and I sat on the apartment steps and cried after they left. He's been living in the apartment in Colin's room. It's weird and confusing and not at all romantic, but it just made sense financially this year. I think Kelsey's going to miss him. He'll probably miss Kelsey too. He could never replace her dad, but he became a playmate for her over the last year, a constant butt of her jokes.

I cried with aw and gratitude. Dad cried, recalling the worst day of his life. About this time two years ago, his family came down to Longview to rescue him. He had fallen much deeper than Mom did. He was broken, and he needed to be with his support, his family, in Tennessee. With pain he called his sixteen year old son out of high school to help him pack a U-Haul and put the last of his belongings in storage. His brother drove down to pick him up and make the drive back to Tennessee. We didn't see Dad much that year. I think I made a trip up that summer, and we saw him over Christmas break. His family and God brought him healing. He stayed with his sister. His brother helped him apply for jobs. He was able to spend the last year of Granny's life with her - something that is so, so important to him. And then he was better, and then he wanted to spend Colin's senior year with him, so he sold his truck, his very last possession, and took a Greyhound bus back to Longview because he knew his truck wouldn't be able to make it. He didn't have a place to stay. He didn't have a job, but he knew that he couldn't be away from Colin. That's what family does.

God worked. A couple weeks later Dad had several job offers. He's now the director of transportation for the largest satellite building project, like, ever. It's a multinational thing that's taking place in Chile.

Anyway, let me take you back to Colin's graduation. This happened the night before Mom moved out. My brother wasn't at the top of the class, and he didn't have too many honors, but I was filled with pride as he walked across the stage. And maybe it's just because I'm a biased sister, but I really believe that he was the number one student at Pine Tree. Maybe you've inferred that life wasn't easy for Colin the last few years. He grew up real quick and became the man of the house and an example for Kelsey. He's the only person to ever be voted unanimously to be captain of the football team. He became a leader on the team, and the team looked up to him. The coaches respected him. I can't do it justice with my fumbling fingers, but try to understand that I couldn't be prouder of the person my brother is. He is humble and funny and respected, and I'm starting to tear up just thinking of how just good he is.

I hope he doesn't feel like he got overlooked last weekend with the moving and everything. I hope he knows how proud we are of him. After Mom moved out, it was time for Dad and Colin to move out. Of course, they hadn't packed or cleaned anything. Things couldn't be moved in a matter of minutes. Instead, Dad, Colin, and I spent all day stuffing things in trash bags, throwing them over the balcony, and making trips to storage. Dad and Colin have been homeless for a week. They move into a one bedroom apartment tomorrow. I hope it's a fresh start for them. They can both be pretty clean and organized people, but you sure wouldn't believe it if you had seen their room. They don't really have furniture or anything, but I hope Dad takes joy in searching through garage and estate sales, and I hope they really make it home. One day we'll land on our feet again, but things are just tight right now.

This entry has been pretty revealing, but it's all in an effort to express how grateful I am to have my family. The older I get the more I realize family is all I have, and they would do anything for me, and I would do anything for them. That's what family does. Last weekend I was absolutely filled with love for Colin, Kelsey, Tristen, Mama, Dad, Cecily, Genay, Janice, Boo, Granny, Papa, Nini, Booboo, Pete. These are the people who have picked us up. These are the people who understand us and love us in spite of this understanding and because of this understanding.

I don't care what anyone says. I definitely have the best family in the WORLD.

New Wheels

2007-05-22T23:02:00.000-06:00

I am now the owner of a 1979 silver (grey? rusted) Chevy Impala station wagon. It has: red/maroon/pink interior (yes, all three colors), a left-side rear view mirror, seats that face the back, a spare tire, and a back window that rolls down automatically. It does not have: air conditioning, automatic windows, a working radio, a right-side rear view mirror, or fuzzy dice hanging from the rear view mirror (yet). It also does not have a name or gender yet, but I'm sure we'll bond on my drive to Longview this Thursday.

When I drive it, I feel like I'm driving a boat on land. It just doesn't seem to belong. Too long and too wide for the road. Oh well, I don't mind. I enjoy the stares I get as I turn into parking lots, coming inches from hitting other vehicles. I think it's a swell third car to have and first car to purchase all on my own. My first car I inherited from my deceased great aunt - a baby blue 1989 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme, loaded with AC and tape deck. Named her Old Blue. My mom bought my second car for me. Got a great deal on a 1997 Jeep Grand Cherokee. That was Peggy Sue. Oh, I loved Peggy Sue, but toward the end she was just too much trouble.

I don't have a picture of the station wagon yet. Mrs. Sharp took one with a disposable camera. Maybe one of my friends with a digital camera can take some pictures. I'll clean the car and lay on it in a bikini. 2008 calendar anyone?

It was nice seeing the Sharps and Julianne when they dropped off the car. It was strange being with them without Nathan - as if something were missing. Even stranger helping move furniture out of the old Digs. I guess I haven't been there in a while. Too many memories. I enjoyed walking through Walmart with Mrs. Sharp, shopping for Josh's groceries. I know Nathan and I are no more, but sometimes I miss his family, which is strange. I guess sometimes I miss a lot of people.

Anyway, look for me in the boat, okay?

Crushing

2007-05-18T15:29:00.004-06:00

I can't believe I have a crush on him.
I guess he makes me laugh.

Speaking of crushes, here are some of my celebrity crushes:

Male
Gael Garcia Bernal
John Krasinski
Sufjan Stevens
Michael Vartan
Luke Wilson

Female
Jennifer Connelly
Penelope Cruz
Sarah Jessica Parker
Mia Sara
Kate Winslet

Whom do you have a crush on?

Summer Dreaming

2007-05-14T22:10:00.000-06:00

Today I moved from Sherley to my new room across campus. I did this with the help of an Albertson's cart. I also did this with sweat rolling down my back and a smile on my face. For some reason it felt great moving. I'm glad that last semester came to a close, and I'm actually really looking forward to my summer in Fort Worth. Here are some things I'm looking forward to.

I'm living with three other RAs in an apartment. These girls are so sweet, and I think they'll make swell roommates. They are conference housing assistants, and I'm an office manager. Their jobs take up a lot more time, so I've been designated as the apartment mom. I'm going to cook dinner for us every night. I'll look up a recipe, and after work I'll walk to the grocery store and pick up the ingredients, and then I'll prepare dinner and desert (think boxed cakes and chocolate chip cookies and rice crispies treats), and I'll do it all with love in my heart. By the end of this summer I hope to be an excellent cook. You're all invited to join us for dinner.

I'm also looking forward to reading for fun again. This will be done in my bed at night and when I stand in the pool, letting my shoulders bronze. And I'm going to become Ozzie's aunt this summer. Laura will be in Arizona, and Christina will be working long days, so I'll drop by their apartment and take Ozzie for walks, and if she's real good, we'll even go to Trinity Park.

I think those are the highlights. I might try to find some sheet music and practice piano. Oh, I'm probably going to visit my friend in Colorado one weekend. I might take the train and stop in Arizona to see Laura. I love trains. Have you heard of the band I Like Trains? I heard some of their stuff in a record shop in Barcelona and liked it. I forgot about them until just now. I'm probably also going to the Bonnaroo music festival in Tennessee with a couple friends. The White Stripes, The Flaming Lips, Damien Rice, The Decemberists, Regina Spektor, DJ Shadow, Gillian Welch, Spoon, Wilco, Feist, and Dr. Dog are the artists I'd like to see. Oh, and The Police and Tool too.

I'm also looking forward to making more trips into Dallas to see Martha and co. And I'll be able to because I'm getting a car next week. But I don't want to tell you about it just yet. It's probably deserving of its own entry.

Okay, I'm probably forgetting some reasons I'm looking forward to this summer, but I'm going to go ahead and sign off for tonight. I like my new room.

Modest Mouse

2007-05-10T23:38:00.002-06:00

1. Paper Thin Walls
2. We've Got Everything
3. Dashboard (?)
4. Bury Me With It
5. Fire It Up
6. Bukowski
7. (?)
8. Float On
9. Education
10. Trailer Trash
11. (?)
12. Tiny Cities Made Of Ashes
13. Doin' the Cockroach
14. The View
----------encore----------
15. Ocean Breaths Salty
16. Spitting Venom

Wanted to write down the set list before I forgot it. Sometimes I like having my weird memory. I got back from the Modest Mouse show a little while ago. Went with Justin and Christina. It was one of the best shows I've ever seen. Up there with Sigur Ros and Sufjan Stevens and Pixies. I'm listening to "Trailer Trash" on repeat now. This song brought tears to my eyes for some reason. It was so moving. They encored with "Spitting Venom" and this amazing horn climax. I had the strongest urge to tear my shirt off. Not in a sexual way or anything. I was just so overcome by the music. It's like I couldn't contain it. Have you ever wanted to tear your shirt off when listening to music? It was a first for me.

Let's see. What else about the show? I was lonely during set changes. I sat by myself on the far left side of the stage. I felt like I had love in my heart to give to someone, but I don't have a someone to return that love. I wondered how it is that we stop loving others as humans. I guess we get to know someone for who they really are, and we don't like that person. It made me sad to know that there have been guys in my life who have gotten to know me and then stopped loving me. I just feel like I need to be loved right now. It's hard being lonely.

Lyrics to "Trailer Trash"

Eating snow flakes with plastic forks
And a paper plate of course, you think of everything
Short love with a long divorce
And a couple of kids of course
They don't mean anything
Live in trailers with no class
goddamn I hope I can pass high school means nothing
Taking heartache with hard work
Goddamn I am such a jerk, I can't do anything
And I shout that you're all fakes
And you should have seen the look on your face
And I guess that's what it takes
When comparing your bellyaches
And it's been a long time
Which agrees with this watch of mine
And I guess that I miss you, and I'm sorry
if I dissed you

Happy Birthday, Blogspot

2007-05-08T21:28:00.000-06:00

Can you believe that you're a year old? That's right; May 8, 2006 I wrote my first entry in you. A lot has happened in a year. I remember when I first got you, you were a clean start. An upgrade from Xanga. I had gotten trapped in Xanga. Writing by a formula. All these happy entries. Entries that provoked comments and eprops. And Xanga was nice, but I wanted something else. I wanted something that was about me and the blog and whatever I wanted to write about. Blogs are so weird, you know? Writing for yourself, for the whole world to see.

Anyway, more of my friends started to get blogs on blogspot, which is great. I love keeping up with them. And it's not like I was the first go get a blog on blogspot. I believe that was Nathan, preceded by others, followed by others, followed by me. But I guess firsts don't really matter. What I'm getting at is that blogspot became not about me and the blog and whatever I wanted to write about (and I'm not sure if it ever was). Once again it became about comments and friends and writing stuff that was interesting for the reader. God, I hate that I do that. That I measure my success by the number of comments I have or friends on Myspace or musical artists I listen to or blah blah blah. Can you quantify success? Yes, I believe the dollar does that. And so do GPAs. But that's not success. And, even if it is, I don't want that.

I don't want my life to be about me and success. Maybe a little about me. But more about others and being real. So, Blogspot, let's try this again. This time it's about me and you and whatever I want to write about. And I won't care about comments and how many people read you. And I'll leave people comments without a feeling of obligation or hoping to get comments from them, without trying to be all witty. I'll leave comments genuinely because I care about my friends (which, by the way, is mostly why I leave comments; I'm not a completely horrible person, just partially). And I think I'm going to start writing in you more because there's a lot I have to say. I usually put it off because I want more comments. I don't want people to be overloaded with reading material. But, who cares? I think I want to publish something one day. Something big. And you can't be afraid to write if you're a writer, and you can't wait until x number of people have patted you on the back.

Okay, that's enough about blogging for now. I think blogging about blogging is one of the nerdiest things one can do. Oh, Blogspot, I gave you a face-lift for your birthday. I don't think I would ever get a face-lift or plastic surgery. I mean, if I were held at gunpoint and had to have something worked on, I'd get liposuction on my toes, but that's it. Other than that I'm really growing to love my imperfectly cuddly body. It's very me, you know?

Well, happy birthday anyway.

Recent Observations

2007-05-04T15:42:00.001-06:00

1. My residents can eat four large pizzas, two carton things of strawberries, 48 chocolate chip cookies, one package of cookie dough, one vegetable tray, and strawberry shortcake in less than ten minutes. I'm not sure if they caught all the information they needed about checking out, but I'm pretty sure they liked the "snack."

2. Eating a cheese enchilada dinner, cold, left-over Chipotle, two packages of peanut M&Ms, a fish taco, fries, and a stuffed french toast platter from IHOP in one day makes my stomach act out against me.

3. My legs are getting squishy. Maybe it's time to kick the triathlon training into high gear. First gear would probably do, come to think of it.

4. A college student walked out of Frog Bytes today, rolling several cases of Gatorade to his brand new Z71 (is that the right letter and number combination?) truck. I thought to myself, "How can he spend all the money off his meal card on hundreds of Gatorades when there are signs everywhere encouraging students to use the money on our meal cards to buy canned goods for the food bank?" I then realized I am no better than this guy with a nice truck. I spend my money on the things I want to spend my money on too: meals and concerts and traveling. And then I feel so big when I give that 10% to church and donate to charities. Who is worse: the boy who is oblivious or the girl who can't do a good thing without being prideful? Oh, we are both so human. Maybe the more one tries to be a god the further from God she is.

5. I have a crush on Jim Halpert from The Office.

6. I think my room temperature is in the 50s. Every time I come in I have to put on wool socks and sweat pants, tucked into the socks, and a big sweater. I then crawl in bed with my quilt and this huge sleeping bag. I would complain to the office worker, but I'm just so comfortable. My level of productivity has greatly decreased in my room.

Bralaining

2007-04-26T20:21:00.001-06:00

I am going to use my blog to brag/complain, or bralain, if you will. Let's just start typing and see where I go. Mind you, I've only had six and a half hours of sleep. That's right: only six and a half. This is a significant decrease from my average eleven this semester (nine at night and a good two hour nap during the day). This isn't healthy, and I'm not proud of the amount of time I've spent in bed this semester, but don't you worry. I'm going start living before I die. Anyway, it's hard to make the switch to a normal amount of sleep, so I've found that I'm just not as quick today. And you know me; I'm usually cutting jokes/the cheese all over the place.

So, "Why this lack of sleep?" you ask. Well, reader, I've turned in five papers in the last two days, totaling 49 pages. Fourteen of which were single-spaced. Ten of which were in Spanish. Fourteen of which were research. And then the other number that adds up to 49 were easy like Sunday morning. Oh, did I mention that I lost ten pages of research for my Spanish paper? That sucked.

But it's all over now, and I even managed to make an 'A' on my Spanish exam earlier this week. I'm going to celebrate this weekend with something really mind-numbing, like Spongebob. Speaking of that square-pantsed sponge...

I went to Austin last weekend. Probably because I didn't want to work on the five papers I had due this week. And it was a completely wonderful weekend. My friend Laura and I rode the train down. We stayed up late, eating and watching Spongebob and laughing. The next day we went to a reggae festival. However, I got the impression that there weren't a lot of people there to listen to the music. It was so relaxing, though, just sitting on the grass surrounded by a bunch of people sitting on the grass, smoking and drinking. I felt so far away from all my responsibilities (and I wasn't even smoking anything). It was just a really peaceful moment for some reason (second hand smoke?). Oh, wait! Before the festival we had the most amazing Vietnamese food. Can't leave that part out. After the festival we headed back toward UT, and we went to a Cool Hand Luke show. They were playing for UT's BYX Island Party, and they happen to be one of my favorite bands from high school. There weren't a lot of people there, but it was this really cool show. It was sort of chilly and really windy, so everything on stage was blowing around. And they were playing in front of the big tower at UT, so it seemed really epic for some reason. Their style of music helped too. Saw my friend Nate, and then we headed in for another night of sweets (this time cake right out of the oven) and Spongebob. And the next day we were back on the train. Back to the real world. Oh, it was a nice escape while it lasted. And evidence that life doesn't have to be papers and school and Fort Worth. Oh, it does for a little while, but I'll get out of here soon enough. Then there will be bills and work and no life, right? We'll see about that.

Enough bralaining for now. Although, I really can't brag or complain. You see, I'm not great at all. Certainly not on my own. And who can complain when they're about to crawl in bed, sip on some sangria, watch Arrested Development and get a solid ten hours of sleep?

Letter to an Old Friend to Put in an Old Box under an Old Bed

2007-04-18T21:27:00.000-06:00

Dear friend,

How are you?

I guess it's been a while. And I guess you're wondering how I'm doing. Well, don't worry about me. I'm doing okay. It made me sad at first to move away from you. And it still makes me sad to know that our friendship will never be the same. But that's okay because our friendship hurt us (me) anyway. And we both know that we aren't meant to be more than friends. You just liked my pretty face, and I just liked your GPA anyway. (Wait, switch that. And smile because it's my attempt at humor.)

So, here we are as strangers. Maybe one day many moons away or in another life we'll return to each other as friends, or stray cats. Our souls have always been friends, you know? They were friends when you were crashing waves and I was steady rock. The waves told the rock its secrets, and I told you everything was going to be okay. And our souls were friends when we were brother and sister. Together we sat at the steps of city hall and watched the fire works. And friends again we'll be.

Real friends. And I won't like you, and you won't like me. I know this is possible because today I can call the first boy I loved my real friend. And I don't like him, and he doesn't like me. So just give me time to keep healing and keep growing stronger. Think of me and our memories fondly. Don't forget that one time you grabbed my hand and we jumped down the inflatable slide together. Don't forget a thousand other little things that were once locked in my heart and that are now floating far, far away.

I'll see you on the other side, friend. And we'll be different people - older, changed. But I think we'll recognize each other. And I think we'll smile.

Your friend forever and for always,

C